Jared - Airplane Proposal

When watching football yesterday, I was taken slightly aback by one of the commercials I saw:

So a guy decides to propose to his girlfriend on an airplane.  This raises a very important question: Why?

Since they're on a plane, they are likely headed either to or from a vacation destination.  So why would the guy propose while still on the plane?  There are many romantic places where a man could propose to his girlfriend, but I don't think an airplane is one of them.

The only possibility I can think of is that this guy really wants to join the Mile High Club.  He probably doubts that he'll ever have the opportunity, and then he has a brilliant idea. Sure, he could wait until they get to their destination, OR he could propose in flight, and maybe he'll get to enjoy some bathroom nookie.  I mean, doesn't she pretty much have to do him now? 

Bathroom.  Now.

As I think about it further (and really, I've given this WAY more thought that it deserves), I suppose that maybe the couple originally met while on an airplane.  In that case, then the airplane proposal would actually be somewhat fitting.

My second question is: How the hell does the flight attendant know that the ring is from Jared?  Maybe he told her that he was about to propose and she asked about it. But from my experience, most women would be more interested in the "four C's" rather than where he got it.  Besides, look at her expression.  She seems quite surprised by the proposal.

Isn't it kind of confusing to announce, "He went to Jared?"  Would most people even know what the heck she was talking about?  This guy sure doesn't:

Huh?

But I suppose it all ends well.  She said yes, the passengers all get to share tiny bottles of champagne, and this guy is about to get some in the lavatory.
Rating - 2 TVs - Jewelry commercials are inherently evil, but this one manages to be both evil and stupid.  I just hope the bathroom loving was worth it to the guy.

Retro: AOL - Jerry Stiller

Over on The Cutter Rambles, I began talking about this AOL commercial, and I realized it deserved some Ad Pundit-style analysis:

I give AOL credit for acknowledging how most people felt about getting those CDs in the mail.  But deep down, don't you kind of miss them?

That is certainly an impressive piece of artwork.  But did AOL provide CDs in all those colors, or did they have to supplement the fish with other CDs?  Why isn't this commercial answering these important questions?

Look honey!  There's a creepy little Jewish man in our house!

Before this couple could waste their AOL CD (As if there wouldn't be another one in the mail tomorrow), Jerry Stiller shows up to set them straight.  The couple seems quite impressed that Jerry is in their home.  Then again, it doesn't seem to be too hard to impress these people.

For instance, they sure seem impressed by the fact that AOL has introduced new features.

Please....tell us more.
 

How does the woman react when she hears that there's a 90 day money back guarantee?  Let's just say that it's obvious that this little lady hasn't been so excited in years.

We must have the AOL now!

They get a good laugh when Jerry suggests using a Snoop Dogg CD in the fish instead.

What a kidder!  Everyone knows that rap music is the work of the devil!

But someone isn't quite amused...Snoop Dogg is in the hizzouse!

Now wait just one minizzle!

Hilarity ensues.

Oh look, Honey.  There's a black man in our house.  Call the police!
 

Rating - 4 TVs - I do enjoy me some good 90's nostalgia.  And this commercial features AOL CDs, Jerry Stiller, and Snoop Dogg. It doesn't get much more 90's than that.

Exciting Things are Happening at Burger King

Burger King has launched a new ad campaign.  It takes place at a fictional Burger King and introduces a bunch of new products that are only on the menu on a temporary basis. Sounds simple enough, right?

That's when the strategy takes a big left turn. First they were using celebrities: A handsome David Beckham, an ancient looking Steven Tyler, a smoking hot Selma Hayek.

My problem is that the focus on the products is taken away by the stupid crap they have the cast doing in the commercials. Even though they had celebrities, they were all pretty much acting the fool.

On the other hand, if they simply showed this image with the words"Buy a salad" below it, I would happily oblige.

Salad sales immediately increased by 300%

After that, I guess they ran out of ad money on celebrities, because when promoting the cheaper Whopper Jr., they used a puppet instead.  And not even a famous puppet like Kermit the Frog or Big Bird!

They've got everything at this Burger King!  Selma Hayek's doing costume changes, Steven Tyler's manning the to-go window, and puppets are forcing people to dance. Did someone slip some LSD into the ice machine?

To top it off, they decided to be the only fast food chain to embrace the internet meme by remixing the Whopper Jr commercial with the Harlem Shake:

If this was my neighborhood Burger King, I'd definitely be hitting up the Golden Arches. Or Wendy's. Or Fuddrucker's. Or I'd take the time to cook a damn burger myself.

Besides, I've never seen a Burger King (or for that matter, ANY fast food joint) where the employees are that happy.  Really, the only time I've ever even seen customers that happy is when they've been drinking.  Heavily.

People don't go to fast food restaurants to have fun. They go there to eat quickly and cheaply.  Don't paint it as something it's not.

Hopefully the really exciting thing happening at Burger King is that this commercial concept is like sweet potato fries: For a limited time only.

Rating - 1 TV - The only reason for one TV is Hayek's voluptuous, bouncing....personality. Of course, if that's all it took to sell me a burger, Hardee's/Carl's Junior would have all of my business.

World of Red Bull

The synopsis of this commercial is people doing cool activities I’d assume 95% of people on earth have never tried.  In the meantime, some slightly foreign-sounding guy talks about pushing boundaries to the limit while epic music plays in the background.  To truly appreciate the commercial, you have to step back a bit.

Red Bull has basically made the energy drink market its bitch. It invaded Jolt cola’s market, dethroned the king, and now wears the crown. No matter what new gimmick drink Mountain Dew or Monster unveil, Red Bull is like Jordan in his prime. It has achieved the Super Bowl of a product; it has become a part of our verbal lexicon, amid the ranks of Xerox and Coke. No one is going to walk into a bar and order a Monster and Vodka (unless they are asking the bartender to check them into an actual rehab facility).

Of course Red Bull still has to advertise. After all, when you’re king, you want your subjects far and wide to know your name. But there’s no need to say things like “new” and “improved.” When you’re on top of the ladder, there’s no need to go any higher. And Red Bull does sponsor a lot of extreme sports and activities all around the globe. So why not just have an ad showing all that the cool shit they choose to sponsor (read: advertise on)? Brilliant!

“But Sweaty,” you may say, “their ads don’t even show their product or what’s in it, aside from the trademark dueling toros rojos.” That’s probably not a bad thing.

What’s in Red Bull is a lot of chemicals designed to stop your body from telling you that you’ve stayed up too late, no mas! And besides, look at commercials today. What the modern day Mad Men don’t want you to see is that, besides ads selling cars, cleaning products, and pharmaceuticals, very few ads actually talk about what the products they’re advertising actually do!

What does a talking gecko have to do with insurance? A race car driver with internet domain names? A Clydesdale with beer (other than one makes you have to pee like the other)? It’s all branding.

Which brings us back to Red Bull. They abandoned the cartoons and catchy slogan, and instead put on a breathtaking show of basically people doing cool activities I’d assume 95% of people on earth have never tried. Long live the king.

Rating - 4 TVs - Isn't it ironic that a company that discusses how its product "gives you wings" sponsored a guy falling from space? Shouldn't it be "Red Bull gives you a capsule and a parachute to hinder your fall?"

Hyundai Santa Fe - Team

At first, this commercial for the Santa Fe didn't make much sense to me:

This kid has a group of friends who seem to be freakishly strong.  What's even more confusing is how they come running to help him as soon as he shows up.  How did they know what he wanted?

It finally made sense when I realized who the child was: Charles Xavier!

The boy in this commercial is obviously a young Professor X.  He used his mutant telepathy to locate other mutants who could help him out.  And the reason they already seem to know what's going on is because he contacted them psychically and asked them for help.

And just who are these junior X-Men that he has assembled?

The Brawn Brothers - Two brothers with amazing strength!

Welder - With the power to construct any device!  (Want more proof that this is really Charles Xavier?  Look at what Welder is building.  It looks a lot like Professor X's Cerebro machine.)

Phyla - He can channel the power of any animal on Earth!

Asbestos - The Fireproof Boy!

Together, they shall join together and vanquish the evil bullies who have stolen Xavier's ball!

Now you might be wondering why Xavier didn't just use his powers against the bullies and be done with it.

That's a good question, but it is consistent with Xavier's behavior in the comics.  Why use your powers to stop the bad guys when you can recruit a group of super-powered children to do the job for you?

Rating - 4 TVs - This commercial has gotten me quite excited to see the next X-Men movie.  Good job Hyundai!

Speed Stick - Laundry

The next Super Bowl commercial up for review comes from Speed Stick:

After waiting a long time for a dryer, a man becomes impatient, takes someone else's clothes out, and throws them on the floor.

I think he was quite justified in doing so.

In a communal laundry setting, it is common courtesy to remove your clothes in a timely manner.  By washing your clothes at a laundromat, you're basically agreeing to a social contract that says, "I will remove my clothes soon after they are done, or I run the risk of having them thrown on the floor."

Unfortunately, he is caught in the act by the owner of the laundry, and she happens to be an attractive woman.

I think this is the root of the problem.  Being an attractive woman, she is probably used to getting her way.  If she wants to let her clothes linger in the dryer, then everyone should just accept that her clothes shall linger.

She is probably shocked that someone would dare throw her majestic laundry onto the floor.  This is probably one of the worst insults she has ever suffered.

I mean, shouldn't she find it strange that a random stranger is offering to fold her laundry?  I guess when you live in "Attractive Woman Land" you expect people to do these kinds of things for you.

And when you're done folding, carry them to my apartment!

What a f***ing princess.
Rating - 2 TVs - What is Speed Stick trying to tell us here?  That we should just bow to the wishes of attractive women?  I don't think so, Speed Stick.

Super Bowl: Cars.com - Wolf

The Super Bowl has come, and the Super Bowl has gone.  Now there's nothing left to do but debate whether or not that should have been a holding call.

Or we could talk about the commercials.  That's always fun too.

I thought that this year's game featured a particularly weak crop of commercials.  You might think that would make my job easier.  You might think that bad ads are more easily mockable, and so that would give me much more material to write about.

But my goal is not to mock.  My goal is to analyze and review.  Sure, I'll mock the mockable, but that really isn't what I set out to do.  At least not usually.

Despite the disappointing fare, I'm still going to power through and deliver some reviews.  The first ad I'll look at comes from Cars.com:

Let me get this straight: The car dealership has a wolf on-site so that they can provide their customers with drama?

How could anyone have thought this was a good idea?  Didn't they watch The Grey?

Admittedly, I didn't watch it either.  But I know the basic storyline: Liam Neeson fights wolves, because wolves are horrible, predatory creatures who would like nothing better than to tear into the flesh of a human being.

Even if you didn't see The Grey, surely you remember children's fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Little Pigs.  The basic moral was the same: Wolves are evil, and must be destroyed at all costs.

It seems like the dealership is going to cost themselves a sale.  First of all, I don't think I'd want to buy a car from a dealership that has a live wolf roaming the grounds.  Even if I did still want to buy the car, I probably wouldn't be able to, because I would likely be attacked and killed by the wolf.

Shouldn't the dealer be more concerned?  He's the one who's been keeping the wolf cub captive.  Isn't he the first person that the wolf would attack?

It's actually kind of amazing that the couple even made it this far into the process considering that there is A WOLF ROAMING FREE THROUGH THE OFFICE!  The chances of the wolf not attacking any of the customers is insanely small, especially since the wolf has already been provoked by the abduction of its young.

I hope whoever came up with this idea was fired.  Or better yet, they should feed the person to the wolf so that it doesn't maim or kill any of the customers.

I can't emphasize enough how bad of an idea this was

 Rating - 1 TV - This is really not a good advertisement for Cars.com.  Sure the app might help people find a car they want and negotiate the price.  But it is clear that the app doesn't provide customers with the most important information that they would need: THE DEALERSHIP THREATENS CUSTOMERS WITH A LIVE WOLF!  AVOID AT ALL COSTS!