Google Play - New Years Resolutions

In an effort to provide the readers of this site with more diverse content, I decided to let someone else take a shot at reviewing a commercial.

Today's guest reviewer is the always witty Mini-Blonde.  She'll be taking a look at Google Play's latest commercial titled "New Years Resolutions." 

"A new year, a new you." 

That's so cliché. It’s like Google is giving you a bad pick up line: “You’re trying to get in shape, I’m trying to get in shape, we’re like the same person. Let’s totally do it!”

And it’s kind of annoying that Google would make the assumption that based on the new year, I’m trying to get in shape. But they’re right! I totally am! Looks like Google is getting laid.

But what about the fatsos who don’t care about working out? Well, they’re in luck! One of the reason Google commercials are so fun is because they're like 20 mini-commercials in one 60-second spot.

Actually, let’s count how many products are advertised in this cute little spot:

1. Google search
2. Google play
3. Google recommendations
4. Rancid’s Let’s Go album
5. Rocky soundtrack
6. Kesha’s Warrior album
7. Google +
8. Google Play web player (I had no idea this existed. So good job, advertisement. Way to do your job)
9. Olivia Newton John’s Physical
10. Salt n’ Pepa’s Push It (Side note - I am awesome at this song in Karaoke!)
11. Chariots of Fire
12. Run Fatboy Run (Ironically, this is at the top of my Netflix queue this moment)
13. Food, Inc
14. Burn After Reading
15. Workout Trainer app
16. Diet & Food Tracker app
17. Runtastic Pro app
18. Calorie Counter app
19. Eating Well Diet by Jean Harvey-Bering
20. Everyday Food: Light by Martha Stewart
21. Martha Stewart’s Cookies by Martha Stewart
22. Big, Soft Chewy Cookies by Jill Van Clever
23. Cookie Bake app
24. Simply Sensational Cookies by Nancy Baggett
25. Milk & Cookies by Jill Van Cleave
26. Cookie Dozer app
27. Taste of Home Cookies
28. The Cookie Party Cookbook by Robin Olson
29. Eat Cookies app
30. Sesame Street
31. Laptop
32. Tablet
33. Smartphone

Of course you can’t really call it an ad since most of the names were either cut off or on the screen for less than a second.  And the last three aren’t even specific products, although you can still make them out well enough to download them.

In fact, I downloaded Cookie Dozer because it had a really good star rating and it was free. It’s not
that great though, so don’t download it unless you like boring games.

Meh

From the list of products above, you’ve probably already guessed who the mystery Googler is. My first hint should have been when he typed, “new me start today.”

I was thinking,“Well that’s weird,” but then I quickly thought about what most people post as their statuses on social networks.  "New me start today," is more comprehensible than like 80% of social network posts.

My second hint should have been the book selection, but I just thought that it was just another
poor, awkward-writing, fat man that really liked cookies.

My last hint should have been the fact that it’s not the actual Rocky theme that plays but rather a cover of the theme by Sesame Street. (Or maybe it’s just Cookie Monster singing along to the real theme) 

But no, I had to wait for Google to tell me it was the Cookie Monster, which was the surprise cherry on top of my Google sundae. So cute!

Surprise?

This probably makes me a bad person, but I also liked how the Cookie Monster slipped in his resolution. (Monsters - They’re just like us!) 

Aside from the obvious argument that he wouldn’t be the Cookie Monster without cookies, everyone secretly likes coaxing people out of their half-hearted attempts to change themselves at the turn of the year.

And secretly, most people like having excuses to give up their resolutions. After all, I did skip the gym so I could write this.

Buick - Landing

Today I'll be looking at a commercial for the 2013 Buick Enclave.

We see that the Enclave can be controlled remotely via smart phone.  This allows the car to be nice and warm by the time the family enters.  We're supposed to think that the Enclave is a technological marvel that makes life more convenient for its owners.

The only message that I'm getting is that the Enclave is a car for rich a-holes.

My resentment of the family begins when I realize that the entire family is flying first class.  That's right, even the kids.

"You expect my children to sit in coach with the rest of the commoners?  I think not!  It will be first class for all of us!"

Maybe I'm being too harsh.  Maybe the family saved up for years for this trip, and they all wanted to fly first class because it was such a special occasion.  (Although if they can afford an Enclave, they probably haven't tightened the belts too much.)  Or maybe the father just wanted to give his children a special treat.

Full disclosure: For my 21st birthday, my parents flew the family out to Las Vegas, and I got to sit in first class.

I was about to cut the father some slack when I noticed something:  He starts controlling the Enclave while the plane is in the process of landing.

You know how they tell you to turn off your electronic devices while the plane is landing?  Apparently, Johnny First Class either didn't hear that announcement or willfully ignored it.

"What?  Wait until the plane lands?  But if I do that, then my car will have less time to get warm.  And then my family might be slightly cold once they get into the car.  We certainly can't have that!

"Besides, I'm a first class passenger!  Surely those 'rules' they talked about don't apply to me.  They only apply to the unwashed masses in the back of the plane."

It's not like he's doing anything that might interfere with the plane's systems.  He's only remotely controlling another vehicle!  I don't see how that could possibly cause any problems.

"But at least my family stayed warm."

Rating - 1.5 TVs - I'm sure that it is rather convenient to able to remotely start the car.  But I think it is wrong of Buick to glorify rich, inconsiderate @$$holes who value the comfort of their family over public safety and etiquette.  I think the FAA might need to have a long talk with Buick.

Acura - Season of Reason: Bette Midler

In Acura's Season of Reason commercial, a caroller hires Bette Midler to join his family's efforts:

The man seems shocked when Midler doesn't stick to the script.

But really, what did he expect?  He hired Bette Midler!  Did he expect she was just going to be a member of the chorus?  Isn't that kind of a waste of her talents?  If you hire Bette Midler to help out with your carolling, don't you do so with the expectation that she is going to be the star attraction?

Also, didn't he take a look at her outfit before they started?  This clearly isn't a woman who wants to simply be part of the crowd.

I'm not sure why the man at the door seems so put off by Midler's carolling.  He's got Bette Midler singing at his door and yet he looks disappointed?  Was he really looking forward to a bunch of locals belting out an off key version of Silent Night?  I'd say this is a major upgrade.

Maybe this explains why Midler was hired in the first place.  People in this town evidently have insanely high standards for their Christmas carolling.  It seems that if you want to impress people, you've got to pay for professional help.  And even that is no guarantee of success.
Rating - 2 TVs - I'd say hiring Midler to spice up the carolling was a wise move.  But he clearly went in with the wrong expectations.  If he wanted a background singer, I'm sure he could have found one.  Instead, he hired a star, so he should have expected a star-type performance.

Dodge - Road

In the latest commercial from Dodge, they demonstrate how Ram trucks can literally move heaven and earth:

We see a Ram truck driving towards a city when - Uh oh! There seems to be an earthquake up ahead.  This doesn't appear to be a minor earthquake either.  This looks like a "The Big One" level quake in which a large section of the ground has completely collapsed. 

I think I see what they're going for here.  They want to show how well the Ram handles in even the harshest conditions.  The case shown here might be a little extreme, but the point is made.

But wait!  This is no random earthquake.  The Ram truck is actually creating this earthquake!  Somehow, the truck is causing the ground to collapse in order to shorten the distance between it and its destination.

I will admit that I was not aware that Ram trucks were capable of such things.  If they truly are, I don't think Dodge has thought this all the way through. 

Sure, it might technically shorten distances, but the effect on the surrounding landscape would likely be catastrophic.  That city is probably going to be completely ruined by the time the truck arrives.  Is it really worth it to arrive a few minutes earlier if the city is going to be destroyed when they get there?

Not to mention, is this really the type of power we want just anybody to possess?  The ability to create earthquakes or destroy mountains seems like it should be in the hands of the military.  It certainly doesn't seem like a feature that Johnny Truckbuyer should be able to purchase for just $22,000.

Just think what might happen if you cut off someone driving a Ram?  If they're in a pissy enough mood, they could collapse the road underneath your car just out of spite.  Can you imagine the type of chaos that would cause?

Rating - 1 TV - This commercial worries me.  I hope that somebody at Dodge reconsiders the earthquake causing feature, or else we might have a real disaster on our hands.

XFinity - Dish Head Date Night

In Comcast/Xfinity's latest commercial, they try to warn people about the dangers of being a "Dish Head."

First of all, f*** Comcast.  I really can't say that enough.

The point of this commercial is supposed to be that having a satellite dish can hinder your love life.

Is that really the case?  If the man had subscribed to cable, the television would have likely stayed on, and the two of them would have spent a quiet night just watching television.  But since he had the dish, the weather caused the signal to go out, which prompted the woman to suggest getting down to business.

We're supposed to sense her disgust that he doesn't have Xfinity, but it certainly doesn't seem to cool her down much.  She almost seems to be turned on by the fact that he doesn't have Xfinity as she tries to jump his bones just seconds later.

To sum it up: Satellite TV = Poor service = Nookie. If I didn't know better, I might think this was a commercial for satellite.

If he's having trouble with the ladies, I don't think the real problem is that he has satellite TV.  I think the real problem is the fact that HE IS WEARING A GIANT SATELLITE DISH AROUND HIS NECK!

Why is he wearing it?  Are they implying that customers who have satellite TV are forced to wear satellite dishes around their heads?  Because I know that is blatantly false!

Regardless of the reason for the dish, I'd think the guy would be used to it by now, and might have come up with a solution for when he wanted to kiss someone.
Rating - 1 TV - Not only is Xfinity lying about the true satellite TV experience, (customers do NOT actually have to wear satellite dishes around their necks) they're also pretty much promoting their competitors by showing that poor reception makes women horny.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Baby

Now that we're in the midst of football season, we've gotten a new batch of football related commercials.  Here is one that struck a nerve with me from Buffalo Wild Wings:

I can appreciate this commercial from both perspectives.

Before I had kids, I was once invited over to someones house to watch an Eagles game.  More accurately, my wife was invited over, and decided that she would accept on our behalf.  When I learned that there would be children present, I decided to stay home and let her go without me.

When I'm watching football, here's what I like to do: Watch football, shout stuff at the screen (in the case of recent Eagles teams, this stuff usually involves profanity), and make witty comments that show everyone present that I am both funny and knowledgeable about the game of football.

Here's what happens when you watch football with a baby or small child in the room.  The attention of others becomes focused on that child.  If the child is crying, then we've all got to be super concerned with the child's cries.  If the child is doing something cute?  Then everyone has to look and watch even though it might be 4th and goal in the 4th quarter of a close game.

Now that I'm a parent, I sometimes get stuck at home watching the game with my child present.  I often miss watching with friends and/or football fans, and I'm occasionally tempted to invite them over to watch with me.

But I know that would be selfish.  I don't want to force my child upon their football watching.  I don't want to force someone to be quiet during an important game.  Even worse, I don't want my child to be woken up from her nap prematurely.

Sometimes, you just can't help yourself.  There was one play in particular in which I didn't care that my daughter was napping, and she might wake up.  I just had to scream loudly:

In the situation in this commercial, some of the blame has to go to the guests.  You knew they had four small children!  How did you think it was going to go?

But really, the majority of the blame goes to the couple with the children.  When you had four kids, you basically gave up your right to invite people over to watch football.  Don't drag others into your little hellish existence.  Suffer in solitude.

Rating - 4 TVs - I applaud the accuracy of the commercial.  Despite the lousy service at my local Buffalo Wild Wings, anything would have to be better than watching the game among four small children.

Old Navy - New Girl

Old Navy has brought in some star power for their latest ads: The cast of Beverly Hills 90210!

The 90210 gang is working as school teachers, and they - along with the rest of the school - is very enamored of the new girl in class, and the fabulous Old Navy clothes that she's wearing.

There's only one small problem: The new girl isn't actually new.  As one of her classmates points out, she's been going to the school since kindergarten.

What exactly is going on here?  Why does nobody seem to recognize this girl?  I shop at Old Navy from time to time, but I've never had people completely forget who I am just because I buy a new outfit.

I think the key to this mystery lies with the one girl who seems to be able to see through the illusion.  I theorize that this entire school is some sort of "Truman Show" like setup, and the "she's not new" girl is the unknowing star.

Haven't we seen television shows replace a cast member with a new star before?  Maybe this is the opposite of that, and they're taking an existing character and trying to portray her as someone new.

It's kind of like on Lost when they tried to make Paulo and Nikki part of the regular cast.  Well, we didn't buy it then, and the "she's not new" girl isn't buying it now.

Want more evidence?  Take a closer look at the school itself. 

This is not your typical elementary school.  There are slides in the stairwells, automated chalkboards, and chairs that retract at the flip of a switch.  When you throw in the bizarre super-tuba that the girl is playing, this school looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.  Unless this is supposed to be Whoville Elementary, I'd have to say that this school is a fake.

Perhaps the most conclusive piece of evidence is the teaching staff itself.  They hired actors for teachers!  Why else would Jason Priestly and Gabrielle Carteris be working as teachers in a school if it wasn't all part of some elaborate television show?

I will say that I got a kick out of the kid who checks out the "new girl" with a "Who's that?"  He may not know who she is, but he certainly wants to find out more.

Play on, playa!

Rating - 3.5 TVs - I'm intrigued by this whole situation.  How long has this girl been living in this fake world and going to this fake school?  More importantly, how much are they paying the 90210 stars?  These are questions that I want answered. 

This normally might have only merited three stars, but the "Who's that?" kid bumped it up another half star.