Super Bowl: Cars.com - Wolf

The Super Bowl has come, and the Super Bowl has gone.  Now there's nothing left to do but debate whether or not that should have been a holding call.

Or we could talk about the commercials.  That's always fun too.

I thought that this year's game featured a particularly weak crop of commercials.  You might think that would make my job easier.  You might think that bad ads are more easily mockable, and so that would give me much more material to write about.

But my goal is not to mock.  My goal is to analyze and review.  Sure, I'll mock the mockable, but that really isn't what I set out to do.  At least not usually.

Despite the disappointing fare, I'm still going to power through and deliver some reviews.  The first ad I'll look at comes from Cars.com:

Let me get this straight: The car dealership has a wolf on-site so that they can provide their customers with drama?

How could anyone have thought this was a good idea?  Didn't they watch The Grey?

Admittedly, I didn't watch it either.  But I know the basic storyline: Liam Neeson fights wolves, because wolves are horrible, predatory creatures who would like nothing better than to tear into the flesh of a human being.

Even if you didn't see The Grey, surely you remember children's fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Little Pigs.  The basic moral was the same: Wolves are evil, and must be destroyed at all costs.

It seems like the dealership is going to cost themselves a sale.  First of all, I don't think I'd want to buy a car from a dealership that has a live wolf roaming the grounds.  Even if I did still want to buy the car, I probably wouldn't be able to, because I would likely be attacked and killed by the wolf.

Shouldn't the dealer be more concerned?  He's the one who's been keeping the wolf cub captive.  Isn't he the first person that the wolf would attack?

It's actually kind of amazing that the couple even made it this far into the process considering that there is A WOLF ROAMING FREE THROUGH THE OFFICE!  The chances of the wolf not attacking any of the customers is insanely small, especially since the wolf has already been provoked by the abduction of its young.

I hope whoever came up with this idea was fired.  Or better yet, they should feed the person to the wolf so that it doesn't maim or kill any of the customers.

I can't emphasize enough how bad of an idea this was

 Rating - 1 TV - This is really not a good advertisement for Cars.com.  Sure the app might help people find a car they want and negotiate the price.  But it is clear that the app doesn't provide customers with the most important information that they would need: THE DEALERSHIP THREATENS CUSTOMERS WITH A LIVE WOLF!  AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

KFC - Lackluster Party

Before the big game, I wanted to give you one last retro Super Bowl ad.  This one is from 2002 and features Jason Alexander.

Alexander stops by a Super Bowl party, and comments on how lackluster it is.

Well isn't he just Johnny Party Snob?  You'd think that a famous actor would have something better to do than show up at random Super Bowl parties and make fun of them.

Then again, he does have a point.  That party doesn't look especially exciting.

Alexander implies that the reason the party is subpar is because of the food they're eating.  I'd say the reason that the party sucks is because it's just four dudes sitting on the couch.

Now, I understand that watching football is a guy thing.  We don't necessarily want the women around to get in the way and ask stupid questions like, "You mean the coaches are brothers?  Oh that's so cute!"

(By the way, you KNOW there are going to be people who say something like that on Sunday.  When they do, try to limit the eye rolling.)

But come on, this is the Super Bowl!  We have seventeen weeks of the regular season to be into the games.  Unless you really care about one of the teams, the Super Bowl should be about socializing, food, and commercials. 

And for a group of guys who wanted to watch the game together, they don't seem to be too into it.  Maybe it's a lousy game, but these guys aren't talking to each other, and they barely even seem to be paying attention.

I suspect that these guys aren't actually friends.  I'm guessing that their wives or kids are friends, and so their wives forced them all to get together to watch the game, even though they'd probably be somehwere - anywhere - else.

The mood changes in a hurry thanks to the arrival of former NFL stars Jim McMahon and William "The Refrigerator" Perry.  The two former Philadelphia Eagles are ready to party, and they brought along some KFC Honey BBQ Wings!

KFC wants us to believe that the wings are the reason for the party's turnaround.  But I'm willing to bet that just about any party would be improved by having two NFL players randomly show up.

It wouldn't really matter what kind of food they brought.  They could bring nothing but a platter of corn and Doritos, and I'd still think it was pretty awesome.

If KFC really wanted to show how good their product was, they wouldn't have had two former NFL stars bring the wings. They would have had the KFC wings delivered by two people who most guys wouldn't want to watch the game with.

For instance, why not have the wings delivered by Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher?  If the party still became good, then I'd believe that the wings can truly make a party awesome.

Who's ready for some football?

Rating - 2 TVs - Sure, the party definitely improved.  But did KFC have anything to do with it?  Doubtful.

IBM - Spelling

Sometimes when looking back at these ads from the past, I find it difficult to interpret them correctly.  While some of them might seem quite dated now, I'm sure they felt modern at the time.

So when reviewing this IBM ad from 1986, I tried to put myself in the mindset of a person living in 1986.

Obviously, 1986 was quite a few years ago, and I was relatively young at the time.  So my memories of the time might be a little fuzzy.

If I recall, here was the basic setup: Ronald Reagan was fighting the Communists, Bill Cosby was entertaining the nation every Thursday night, and Falco was educating the world about Mozart.

OK, I think I'm ready to look at this commercial from the 1986 Super Bowl.



We see a few instances where people have misspelled words.  Obviously this is quite embarrassing for them.  Although in a couple of those cases, I think that a simple proofreading would have saved them from a lot of the embarrassment.

For those of us who can't spell well and can't take the time to review our work, IBM has a solution.  They have created a typewriter that will analyze typing and beep if it detects a misspelled word.

What?

How is this possible?  A typewriter is just a machine.  How could it possibly know what we were typing?    Unless...

Oh no.  Oh no!  Have the machines have gained intelligence?  Holy crap!  Was The Terminator (which was of course released two years ago) correct?  Are the machines self-aware now?  Are they preparing to rise up and enslave mankind?

IBM has doomed us all!

We're screwed now

Rating - 1 TV - If you're reading this, that means that I've managed to survive the robot apocalypse.  I am assuredly searching for other survivors so that I can form some sort of human resistance movement. 

Please wish me luck, and may God have mercy on us all.

Super Bowl Retro Week: EDS- Herding Cats

Cutter's Note: Since her first ad review was so good, I decided to have Mini-Blonde (Now knowns as Mandy the Mini-Blonde) come back and join in the amazing fun that is Super Bowl Retro Week!

Today, I will be looking at a commercial that first aired during the 2000 Super Bowl: 

As an owner of two kittens and someone who does business with the federal government, I can relate to both the literal and figurative messages of this commercial. 

                                                                   My Pretty Kitties

Lint rollers! Yarn! Kitty scratches! Sneezes! Trouble wrangling things together! I understand all of those things. But what I don’t understand is what EDS actually does.

Nowadays, I can use my Droid to look up the company without leaving the couch.  In 2000, I would have had to walk over to my desktop, wait for dial up, and then hope I remembered the company name or the AOL keyword because I’m sure EDS wouldn’t come up in the Yahoo search results for “cat herders.”  Then again, maybe it did.

Maybe that’s why we Google things now?  

I have a problem with a business-to-business company advertising on the Super Bowl. The competition for attention during the Super Bowl is so fierce that it’s unlikely that you’ll really resonate with your target audience. 

What if the few people who figuratively needed their e-business cats herded were distracted by their kids playing Pokemon? Or rejoicing over AOL’s acquisition of Time Warner by popping opening a can of Surge? Or trying to figure out how to respond to their friend’s poorly delivered “I see dead people” joke?

Then all you’re left with is a bunch of football lovers and their friends who remember that "cute cat commercial," but not your company.  

                                                            Surge: Gone but not forgotten

I work for a professional services firm, so I understand how hard it is to explain in layman’s terms what your company does. So bravo to EDS for a valiant (and really cute) try.

However, the explanation of EDS in this commercial is so vague, I could use the same commercial for my firm, and I’m not sure if they even provide the same services as my firm (I looked it up. They do not).   

                                                                           

Despite their flagrant misuse of ad dollars, EDS actually survived the dot-com bubble burst and went on to be acquired by Hewlett-Packard. I’m sure many people were laid off, and the person who decided to buy space for this commercial during the Super Bowl was probably among them.

But this commercial is really, really cute. If cat herder was a real job, I would be the first in line when an opening became available.

I wonder where they are herding the cats to? My guesses:

• To the Netherlands to serve as mice deterrents for the world’s largest piece of cheese.
• To serve as the front lines to successfully thwart the Great Dog Invasion of 2000.
• To a magical place called Cat Mountain where cats always stay kitten-sized and they love to cuddle.

It was most likely none of those things because the last two don’t exist and the first would be really unsanitary. But maybe, just maybe, with EDS’s ability to bring together information, ideas, and technology, we could make Cat Mountain happen.  

Super Bowl Retro Week: Taco Bell - Lions

This Sunday is the Super Bowl.  You know what that means?  That's right, it's Super Bowl Retro Week here at The Ad Pundit!

For the third year in a row, we're going to take a look at some Super Bowl ads from years past.  Why?  Because there's nothing quite as awesome as nostalgia.

The first retro ad aired during the 2007 Super Bowl, and I will admit that it was a personal favorite of mine:

We start off normally enough with a couple of lions talking about the campers and their Taco Bell steak grilled tacquitos.

Wait, did I say we started off normally enough?  I must have somehow overlooked the fact that HOLY CRAP, THERE ARE TALKING LIONS!

Okay, maybe I should calm down a bit.  Maybe this is just a case where the lions are actually speaking some sort of lion language, (Do lions have their own language?) and it's being translated for our benefit. 

I kind of understand why they would do that.  In all honesty, a commercial featuring a couple of lions growling at each other probably wouldn't be too interesting, and it probably wouldn't do much to push Taco Bell's product.

But if that's the case, why does the lion mention Ricardo Montalban?  How would the lions even know who Ricardo Montalban is?

Even if the lions had somehow been able to watch television, there is no way they should have known who Ricardo Montalban is...unless the lions can understand English.

Which brings me back to...HOLY CRAP THERE ARE TALKING LIONS!


Rating - 3.5 TVs - I like this commercial.  But I'll be honest with you: I'd really like to know more about how the lions are able to speak and understand English.

I decided to add an extra star to the rating for the excellent voice over work done by the esteemed Mr. Montalban.  That man was a class act all the way.

R.I.P. Mr. Roarke

Google Play - New Years Resolutions

In an effort to provide the readers of this site with more diverse content, I decided to let someone else take a shot at reviewing a commercial.

Today's guest reviewer is the always witty Mini-Blonde.  She'll be taking a look at Google Play's latest commercial titled "New Years Resolutions." 

"A new year, a new you." 

That's so cliché. It’s like Google is giving you a bad pick up line: “You’re trying to get in shape, I’m trying to get in shape, we’re like the same person. Let’s totally do it!”

And it’s kind of annoying that Google would make the assumption that based on the new year, I’m trying to get in shape. But they’re right! I totally am! Looks like Google is getting laid.

But what about the fatsos who don’t care about working out? Well, they’re in luck! One of the reason Google commercials are so fun is because they're like 20 mini-commercials in one 60-second spot.

Actually, let’s count how many products are advertised in this cute little spot:

1. Google search
2. Google play
3. Google recommendations
4. Rancid’s Let’s Go album
5. Rocky soundtrack
6. Kesha’s Warrior album
7. Google +
8. Google Play web player (I had no idea this existed. So good job, advertisement. Way to do your job)
9. Olivia Newton John’s Physical
10. Salt n’ Pepa’s Push It (Side note - I am awesome at this song in Karaoke!)
11. Chariots of Fire
12. Run Fatboy Run (Ironically, this is at the top of my Netflix queue this moment)
13. Food, Inc
14. Burn After Reading
15. Workout Trainer app
16. Diet & Food Tracker app
17. Runtastic Pro app
18. Calorie Counter app
19. Eating Well Diet by Jean Harvey-Bering
20. Everyday Food: Light by Martha Stewart
21. Martha Stewart’s Cookies by Martha Stewart
22. Big, Soft Chewy Cookies by Jill Van Clever
23. Cookie Bake app
24. Simply Sensational Cookies by Nancy Baggett
25. Milk & Cookies by Jill Van Cleave
26. Cookie Dozer app
27. Taste of Home Cookies
28. The Cookie Party Cookbook by Robin Olson
29. Eat Cookies app
30. Sesame Street
31. Laptop
32. Tablet
33. Smartphone

Of course you can’t really call it an ad since most of the names were either cut off or on the screen for less than a second.  And the last three aren’t even specific products, although you can still make them out well enough to download them.

In fact, I downloaded Cookie Dozer because it had a really good star rating and it was free. It’s not
that great though, so don’t download it unless you like boring games.

Meh

From the list of products above, you’ve probably already guessed who the mystery Googler is. My first hint should have been when he typed, “new me start today.”

I was thinking,“Well that’s weird,” but then I quickly thought about what most people post as their statuses on social networks.  "New me start today," is more comprehensible than like 80% of social network posts.

My second hint should have been the book selection, but I just thought that it was just another
poor, awkward-writing, fat man that really liked cookies.

My last hint should have been the fact that it’s not the actual Rocky theme that plays but rather a cover of the theme by Sesame Street. (Or maybe it’s just Cookie Monster singing along to the real theme) 

But no, I had to wait for Google to tell me it was the Cookie Monster, which was the surprise cherry on top of my Google sundae. So cute!

Surprise?

This probably makes me a bad person, but I also liked how the Cookie Monster slipped in his resolution. (Monsters - They’re just like us!) 

Aside from the obvious argument that he wouldn’t be the Cookie Monster without cookies, everyone secretly likes coaxing people out of their half-hearted attempts to change themselves at the turn of the year.

And secretly, most people like having excuses to give up their resolutions. After all, I did skip the gym so I could write this.

Buick - Landing

Today I'll be looking at a commercial for the 2013 Buick Enclave.

We see that the Enclave can be controlled remotely via smart phone.  This allows the car to be nice and warm by the time the family enters.  We're supposed to think that the Enclave is a technological marvel that makes life more convenient for its owners.

The only message that I'm getting is that the Enclave is a car for rich a-holes.

My resentment of the family begins when I realize that the entire family is flying first class.  That's right, even the kids.

"You expect my children to sit in coach with the rest of the commoners?  I think not!  It will be first class for all of us!"

Maybe I'm being too harsh.  Maybe the family saved up for years for this trip, and they all wanted to fly first class because it was such a special occasion.  (Although if they can afford an Enclave, they probably haven't tightened the belts too much.)  Or maybe the father just wanted to give his children a special treat.

Full disclosure: For my 21st birthday, my parents flew the family out to Las Vegas, and I got to sit in first class.

I was about to cut the father some slack when I noticed something:  He starts controlling the Enclave while the plane is in the process of landing.

You know how they tell you to turn off your electronic devices while the plane is landing?  Apparently, Johnny First Class either didn't hear that announcement or willfully ignored it.

"What?  Wait until the plane lands?  But if I do that, then my car will have less time to get warm.  And then my family might be slightly cold once they get into the car.  We certainly can't have that!

"Besides, I'm a first class passenger!  Surely those 'rules' they talked about don't apply to me.  They only apply to the unwashed masses in the back of the plane."

It's not like he's doing anything that might interfere with the plane's systems.  He's only remotely controlling another vehicle!  I don't see how that could possibly cause any problems.

"But at least my family stayed warm."

Rating - 1.5 TVs - I'm sure that it is rather convenient to able to remotely start the car.  But I think it is wrong of Buick to glorify rich, inconsiderate @$$holes who value the comfort of their family over public safety and etiquette.  I think the FAA might need to have a long talk with Buick.