McDonald's - Dollar Menu

Sorry for the long absence.  I'm back with a couple of offerings from McDonald's advertising their Dollar Menu.

In this first ad, a man is put to the test by his girlfriend:

This commercial makes me shudder.

It's a well known fact: Sundays ARE for sitting around and watching football.

Apparently, this woman and her sister don't agree with this.  That's because they are obviously man-hating bitches.

So now this guy is in a tough spot.  He obviously disagrees with the woman (presumably his girlfriend) but does not want to say so, for fear that she may break up with him if he does.

The point of this commercial is supposed to be that this guy orders from the Dollar Menu, so he's obvioulsy smart, and can figure out a way out of this mess.

So what's his big solution?  He lies to her.

Bravo, buddy. Bravo.  You've just doomed yourself to a lifetime of not watching football on Sundays, or as most American men would call it: The Tenth Circle of Hell.  Your Sundays will now be spent doing whatever it is that she wants to do.  So you can probably look forward to carrying her bags around the mall or something.

I don't understand why the guy was in such fear of getting dumped.  She's really going to end things because he disagrees with her and enjoys watching football on Sundays?  If that's the case, then he's probably better off without her.  It isn't a sign of a healthy relationship if he is not allowed to have his own opinions.

I did consider the possibility that this was a very early on in their relationship, and he's being especially cautious.  Well, if he was so concerned about offending her, maybe he should have opted to take her to a slightly classier restaurant.

I've been out of the dating game for some time, but I'm pretty sure that when you're looking to impress a girl, you don't bring her to McDonalds.  I'd also have to guess that she isn't impressed by his financial acumen when he orders off the Dollar Menu.  She probably just thinks that he's cheap.

So basically, the message this commercial is sending is that the Dollar Menu is for guys who are cheap and are scared to death of their girlfriends.

Here's another recent Dollar Menu ad in which McDonald's once again helpfully points out that women are evil. (Sorry, I could only find the truncated version):

The man says that he won't be able to paint the garage due to rain.  In the extended version of the commercial, the woman envisions the guy spending the day sleeping on the couch.  Since it would obviously be horrible if the guy was able to relax and enjoy his weekend, she vows to prevent that from happening.

I mean, the guy probably works hard during the week, and all he wants to do is unwind in his free time.  But she will have none of that!

So she "outsmarts" him by saying they can go look at window treatments, and tops it off with a look that basically says "F*** you!  Your will is mine!"  And based on the man's sad expression, it appears as if he's going to be looking at window treatments.

Here's how the guy should have responded:

"Window treatments?  I'm not looking at window treatments.  I don't give a rat's ass about window treatments.  So why the hell do you need me to go with you?  You're just going to go and pick out the ones you like, while I stand there and say 'Sure, that looks nice.'

"So I'm not going to be loooking at window treatments.  Instead, you will go look at your stupid window treatments while I stay here, lie on the couch, and fall asleep watching sports.  And when you get home, you're going to cook me a nice meal for once, instead of bringing home this garbage off of the Dollar Menu!"
Rating: 2 TVs - Yes, I think we all understand that women are evil and their goal is to ruin men's lives.  But could we ever see a commercial where a guy actually stands up for himself?

And no matter what these commercials say, ordering off of the Dollar Menu doesn't prove that a person is intelligent.  It just shows that they're too lazy to cook, and too cheap to afford something better.

Charmin Ultra - Bears

Now that we're past the Super Bowl, I'll take a request from a reader, and analyze Charmin Ultra's Bears commercial.

Right from the start, this commercial is a bit ridiculous.  The bear is trying to examine his butt to see if he has pieces of toilet paper stuck to himself.

I'm wondering exactly how the TP got on his butt in the first place.  If he can't reach back there to remove the leftover pieces, how was he able to wipe himself?

By the way, does anyone else find it strange that the TP roll is on a tree in a clearing?  I was always under the impression that bears did their business in the woods.

Anyway, the problem of having TP pieces left behind is apparently a recurring one in the bear family.  It's gotten to the point where the mother actually has to inspect her son's butt to make sure that it is clean.

If she knew that this was a problem, why did she wait until now to give him the Charmin Ultra?  She obviously had the package with her, so why did she hold off?  Was this his last chance to prove he could successfully use normal TP before she had to upgrade to the Ultra?

We briefly put those concerns aside as we cut to see the real world testing of the Charmin Ultra.  I do appreciate the fact that they put the testing statistics at the top of the screen.  I would be very concerned if I didn't know exactlty how much water was being used for this test.

Apparently, Charmin is very thorough in their testing process.  They've precisely measured out exactly how much time and water is necessary for a proper test.  Not only that, but we can clearly see that the test is performed using a three pound weight.  Did they think that by only using a one pound weight, they would leave most Americans unconvinced of the strength?

I've never really thought about how much pressure I use when wiping myself.  Has Charmin somehow determined that the average American uses three pounds of pressure when cleaning themselves?  How would they go about measuring this anyway?

We check back in with the bears, and find a much happier scene.  Both mother and son are thrilled to see that after using Charmin, not only are there no paper flakes on the son's butt, but his fur also somehow shines.  How exactly did this happen? 

Honestly, I'm not sure I want to use toilet paper that will leave my butt shiny afterwards.

Apparently, this is not a problem for the son.  He seems to really like the Charmin Ultra.  He likes it to the point that he rubs it against his face afterwards.

I can't say I've ever enjoyed a toilet paper to the point where I'd want to rub it against my face, no matter how soft it is.  Maybe it's just a bear thing.

That makes more sense the more I watch the commercial.  After further viewings, I have come to the conclusion that this product is actually being marketed for bears.

Is having bits of toilet paper left behind that much of a problem for most humans?  Maybe it is an issue for those people who have hairier posteriors, but to the point where special toilet paper is required?  I don't think so.  I think most of us would be just fine with the regular brand.

Bears, on the other hand, probably do get toilet paper stuck in their fur quite a bit.  So maybe this product would be very useful for them.

Rating: 2.5 TVs - While I appreciate the detailed information given about the trials, I think the commercial misses the mark a bit.  The target audience appears to be bears, but I'm not sure how many bears actually use toilet paper.

Super Bowl: Suzuki

This may be my last full Super Bowl ad review before I do a quick round up of some leftover ads tomorrow.

Here is the ad for the Suzuki Kizashi:

At the beginning of the commercial, we see a man driving his Suzuki down a snow covered road.  I'd like to give this guy credit for his driving skills.  Living in the DC area, most of my fellow motorists do not know how to handle driving in wintery conditions.  Faced with this scenario, most of them would just stomp heavily on the brake and skid out.

This guy clearly knows how to drive in the snow.  The key is to not overreact, and from the look of things, this guy isn't fazed by much.  He comes under seige by an army of demonic snowmen, and yet he doesn't panic. 

Let me repeat that: He comes under seige by an army of demonic snowmen and he doesn't panic.  And look at the way those snowmen were moving!  This was not some leisurely chase.  They were definitely coming for him.

Although if we take a closer look, he does seem to make a questionable decision in the face of the snowman attack.  He swerves to avoid the snowballs, but I have to wonder if that was really necessary.  Wouldn't it have been a better strategy to simply concentrate on staying on the road?

We've already seen the car get hit by a few of the snowballs early on and it doesn't seem to suffer any damage.  Yet, if he were to swerve off the road and crash, then he might be faced with some real danger.

Still, I guess I can forgive a little bit of nervousness in this situation.  I'm assuming he doesn't get attacked by living snowmen all that often.

Ultimately, he gets away, but I think that had more to do with the poor strategy emplyed by the snowmen rather than any special abilities of his car.  If you notice, the snowmen choose to surround him right as he comes to a side path, allowing him to get off the road.

Why didn't the snowmen in front of him wait further back?  He still might have turned off the main road, but they would have been able to continue their pursuit.  And as we saw, the snowmen can move faster than the car.

Come to think of it, is that such a good message for Suzuki to be sending?  "This car does not move as fast as demon snowmen."

Regardless, the guy might have escaped from this attack, but is he truly safe?  Are we to believe that this was just an isolated incident of snowmen rebelling against their human creators?  Isn't it more likely that these unholy creatures are a product of the apocalypse?

What happens when the car finally runs out of gas?  Hopefully he'll have made it to a warmer climate where he won't fear snowmen, but I'm sure there will be other demonic creatures lurking. 

There's a good chance that those creatures will attack him with something much more substantial than just snowballs.  Wouldn't he better suited with an SUV that might be able to store supplies and withstand some damage?

Come to think of it, if he had a Hummer or something like that, couldn't he have just run over the snowmen and been done with it?
Rating: 3.5 TVs - Demonic snowmen are kind of cool, and I like seeing someone actually be able to drive well in the snow.  But still, I am left with the impression that the Kizashi truly isn't the best car for this situation.

Super Bowl: Chrysler 200

A lot of people were talking about Chrysler's commercial featuring Eminem:

I guess we're supposed to be moved because Eminem is showing pride in his hometown.  And if Eminem can show pride in Detroit, we should all show pride in Detroit.  And nothing says "Detroit pride" like driving a Chrysler.

Basically, they're trying to tell us that if we don't buy the Chrysler 200, we're un-American. 
Is it just me, or would Eminem's message have more impact if we hadn't seen a cartoon version of him promoting Lipton iced tea earlier in the game?

Do you think he mentioned this fact to Chrysler?  "Hey guys, I know you're paying me a ton to be in your commercial, but just to let you know, I'll also be doing an ad for Lipton in which I kind of kill my credibility."

If not, I would have loved to see the look on their executives' faces as they anticipated seeing their ad, only to see them become crestfallen upon watching cartoon Eminem tell us how brisk Lipton iced tea is.

He should have just gone the full mile and worn the Alf shirt.

So now, the reaction that many of us had to the ad isn't "We should all buy a Chrysler!" but rather, "Wow, Eminem really sold out."

Assuming we hadn't just watch cartoon Eminem whore himself out earlier, the commercial might have worked really well.  It is clearly trying to be "epic," and for the most part it succeeds.  "Lose Yourself" works well in building the mood of the commercial, and the "Imported from Detroit" tagline brings the message home.
Rating: 3 TVs - A good commercial, ruined by circumstances.

Super Bowl: Bridgestone

All this week, I'll continue to look at some of the ads from last night's Super Bowl.

Bridgestone isn't necessarily known for their commercials, but I thought they did an admirable job this year.  This one really stood out for me:

For many of us, this is a common fear: Thinking you're sending a private email, but discovering that you actually hit 'Reply All.'

I'm sure that most of us have sent a message to a friend, and then panicked as we wondered: "Wait, did I reply just to him, or to everyone?"  The time it takes to check your sent mail folder for confirmation can be some of the most tense seconds you'll ever experience.

It seems odd to me that he didn't seem to have sent the email to anyone in his company.  He spends most of his time driving around to various places in order to destroy the computers of people who might have read the email.

Isn't it much more likely that he would have sent the email to co-workers, and he would have spent his time trying to destroy the company's server, or at least disable the computers of everyone in the office?

I suppose that wouldn't make for a very good tire commercial, but it would have been more true to the spirit of the ad.

He also seems to have sent the email to quite the diverse group of people.  One minute, he appears to be in a business meeting.  The next minute, he's attacking someone in the woods or at a coffee shop.  What kind of email distribution list is this guy on?

How bad was this email anyway?  I realize he might not want these people to read it, but is what he wrote going to make them any angrier than stealing or destroying their computers?  I might not appreciate an offensive email, but I really wouldn't appreciate someone destroying my laptop.  Those things aren't cheap!

I think the answer becomes clear after we take a closer look at the people to whom he sent the email.  It seems like there is a disproportionately high number of minorities in the group.  This leads me to believe that the email he sent out contained some racist content.

That makes sense, as he probably thinks it is better to be branded as "insane, computer destroying guy" rather than as a racist.  Eventually, people will look back at his madcap computer stealing spree and laugh about it.  If they think he's a racist, they'll never treat him the same way again.

In the end, I'm not sure what to think about this commercial.  Sure, the guy underwent quite a trauma, but ultimately, his reputation will be unharmed. (Excluding of course all the people who are probably really pissed at him for destroying their computers)

But is that a good thing?  Shouldn't we want him to be outed as a racist?  Is it really a happy ending if he and his Aryan buddy can keep making their hateful jokes, and they are never forced to face any consequences?
Rating: 2.5 TVs - I thought I was onboard with the commercial's message, but in 2011, there is no place for racism.

Super Bowl: Pepsi MAX

Pepsi MAX has had a few commercials in the Super Bowl, and they've all been fairly good.  In my opinion, this one was the best of the bunch:

I will give this ad a lot of points for realism.  This is probably the mindset of just about every person who has ever gone on a first date.
I would like to point out the first thing that the woman wondered: How much does he make?

Yes, this is the most pressing question in her mind.  Apparently, how much money a guy makes is more important to women than his relation with his mother and whether he wants kids.

I'm sure this does not come as a surprise to anyone.

By the way, what is with the goofy face that she makes after she wondered if he was the one?  Unless he can read her thoughts, then that look is really kind of bizarre.  If I was on a date with a woman, and she made that face, I'd be a little weirded out.

Of course, by the end of the commercial, it appears that maybe they can in fact read each other's thoughts.  If this is the case, you'd think that they would be doing a better job of hiding their thoughts.  If I was on a date with someone who could read my mind, I don't think I would keep thinking "I want to sleep with her." 

More likely, he'd be trying to cover his thoughts by thinking of stuff like baseball statistics.  Of course, this commercial would have made a lot less sense if the guy was just thinking about baseball stats the whole time.

When the woman gets her Pepsi MAX, the guy's one track mind goes from wanting to sleep with her to wanting her Pepsi MAX.

Why exactly is he so obsessed with getting her Pepsi MAX?  They're at a restaurant.  She must have just ordered a Pepsi MAX, so what's stopping him from ordering one too? 

And wasn't he listening when she ordered the Pepsi MAX in the first place?  If he wanted a Pepsi MAX so badly, why didn't he just order one when she did? 

It's not like he watched her drink it and saw her enjoy it, prompting his desire to have one as well.  No, it was just the arrival of the can that prompted his obsession.  Is the can that appealing that it could prompt this kind of desire?  The can certainly doesn't appear that spectacular at first glance.

I think it's a bit odd that the waiter just dropped off a can at the table.  Wouldn't most restaurants serve their sodas in glasses? 

Maybe, they were having some shortage of soda at the restaurant, and they only had a few canned sodas left lying around?  If so, I suppose it is possible that this was the last Pepsi Max left, and that would explain why the guy wanted it so badly.

If that is the case, then maybe they should have picked a better restaurant for their date.  You'd hate to have poor soda selection at a restaurant ruin a potential relationship.  At the very least, I hope they received some sort of discount.
Rating: 4 TVs: Aside from the potential mind reading, it's nice to see some realism in a commercial.  Men are obsessed with sex and women are gold diggers.  That sounds about right.

Super Bowl - Chevy Cruze

Another review of a first half ad.  This one wasn't quite as good as the Doritos ad:

The guy finishes with a date, gets in his car, and the first thing he wants to do is check Facebook. 

I can understand this.  In this age of smart phones, people can't seem to go more than a couple seconds without updating their statuses or checking in on Foursquare.  So I get that for some people, the ability to check Facebook via voice interface in their car could be appealing.

But are people really going to buy cars just because it can read Facebook updates to them?  I mean, while it might be an attractive option, I can't believe they're using this as the main selling point.

I am also a bit skeptical about how accurately the car is going to be able to read things from Facebook.  My mother-in-law has caller ID on her phone that reads off the names of the person who is calling.  But the names get so garbled to the point that they're almost unintelligible.

Yet, we're supposed to expect the car to read people's names correctly?  Not to mention some of the things that people post as their statuses. 

I might consider this feature just for the amusement factor of listening to my car try to read Facebook statuses, but that seems like an expensive way just to amuse myself.

As for the commercial itself, the premise is a bit ridiculous.  This was their first date, and they're already Facebook friends?  Did they add each other before they even went on their first date?  Wouldn't that be a bit awkward if it didn't work out? 

Or maybe the date was going so swimmingly that they felt that they had to add each other as Facebook friends while still on the date.

Is this what dating has come to in 2011?  You take time out from the date to get on your smart phones and add each other as friends?  Maybe it's just a sign of the times that even on "best first dates ever" people can't turn off their phones.

Anyway, Facebook reveals that the girl enjoyed the date as well.  I wonder if he doesn't feel a little bit of regret as he drives off.  If she enjoyed the date so much, maybe he could have gotten more than a quick kiss at the end.

You've got to think that on their next date, he's going to be more aggressive.
Rating: 2 TVs - I would have liked this commercial better if her status was something like "Worst date ever.  The guy is such a loser."  At least that would have been funny.