Domino's Pizza - Decisions

Here's is the latest commercial from Domino's Pizza for their specialty pizza deal:

I get the point they're trying to make here.  Adults have different tastes than children, so the more exotic pizzas preferred by parents may not sit well with their children.  Parents are left with the choice of either only eating plain pizza, purchasing multiple pizzas, or listen to a lot of complaining. 

As someone who will generally only eat plain cheese pizza, I can appreciate this problem.  I'm sure my "I don't want stuff on my pizza" stance can be frustrating to others.

By the way, putting a topping on half of the pizza is not a good compromise in these situations.  If you put the topping on half of the pizza, then the entire pizza is going to taste like the topping.  That's the way it is, and if you try to say otherwise, then you're full of crap.

But for people who feel that they can't ever enjoy a specialty pizza again due to the pickiness of their children, this Domino's deal should be perfect, right?

That may be true, but this commercial is probably doomed for failure, and if Domino's had studied their commercial history, they would know why.

In May 1996, McDonalds released the Arch Deluxe sandwich.  This was a "mature" hamburger that would cater to the more sophisticated tastes of adults.  The ads for the product showed children being repulsed by the burgers, implying that children wouldn't appreciate its finer ingredients and more exotic taste.

Here's one of their commercials.  As an added bonus, it features children rapping!

The ad campaign was a huge failure. Apparently, it isn't a good idea to show people being repulsed by the product that you are attempting to sell.  It tends to turn people away.

That said, the Domino's commercial does have a few highlights:

- That play room looks awesome!  Is this at a day care somewhere?  If so, I think I need to enroll my daughter there.

- I like how the kid uses the bullhorn to say "No."  This kid is obviously not messing around.  He really doesn't want this pizza.  I do wonder why a day care would have a bullhorn lying around for the children to use.  That seems like a bad idea.

- And finally, at the end of the commercial, sitting on the "Oh Yes We Did" easel is a doll of the Noid!  For those of you who are too young to remember the Noid, here's some history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noid
Rating: 2 TVs - The bullhorn and Noid prevent this from being a complete failure, but it amazes me that people can repeat the same mistakes.

Just For Men - Milk

In this Just For Men commercial, a gray haired man is brushing his teeth when his comely neighbor comes by asking to borrow some milk.

He sees this as a golden opportunity.  He knows that if he lends her some milk, then she will be forever beholden to him, and he will be richly rewarded.

But there is a problem: He doesn't have any milk!

Was he really surprised that he didn't have any milk in the fridge?  From what we can tell, this guy doesn't exactly keep his fridge well stocked.  All he seems to have in there are some Chinese leftovers and a beer.  You'd think that with that little in the fridge, he'd have a good idea of whether or not he had any milk.

But that isn't going to deter him.  He is going to get his neighbor some milk no matter what it takes!

Considering that this commercial is supposed to be for Just For Men, it isn't made especially clear if he went to the store with the Just For Men in mind, or if it was an afterthought while he was already out getting milk.  If you think about it, this is really more of a commercial for milk.

I also have to wonder if the Just For Men is a wasted purchase.  I'm guessing that he's encountered his neighbor before, so she knows that he has gray hair.  Is his brown hair going to be that much of an attraction if she knows that it is dyed?

Regardless of his hair intentions, he knows that he's going to accomplish nothing without milk, so he quickly springs into action.  With a mighty leap off the balcony, he lands on a passing truck, and is on his way to the store. 

I wonder if he thought this all the way through.  How exactly does he plan to get to the store, complete his purchase, return home, and dye his hair in a reasonable amount of time?  While hitching a ride on the truck surely saved some time, I'd have to think the entire process would take at least ten minutes.  He must have faith that his neighbor REALLY wants milk to wait at the door for that long.

It works in his favor that this particular store has the world's largest Just For Men display.  You'd think a store like might carry a few boxes, but they seem to have an entire aisle dedicated to the product.

As it turns out, he was correct that time wasn't a huge concern.  Neighbor lady is either extremely patient, or else she is dead set on making pancakes, and for some reason, she has decided that this guy is her only hope.  The only sign she gives that this is taking longer than she expected is a little bit of anxious swaying and an attempt to look into the peephole.

Finally, he opens the door and presents her with the milk.  And she certainly likes what she sees.  She is so impressed by his newly dyed hair that she doesn't even ask him why it took over ten minutes to get some milk out of the fridge.  Instead, she offers him some pancakes.

Based on the look she gives him, I have to assume that "pancakes" is just a code word for "sex." 

My biggest question about the commercial: How the hell does he get back into his apartment? 

His apartment is clearly a few stories off the ground, and while gravity will assist him in getting down to the street, that isn't going to be much help in getting back inside.

It took me a little while, but I finally figured it out: This is actually Peter Parker! 

Look at the way he was able to jump onto the moving truck and then swing his way off via the lamp post.  Most normal humans would have some difficulty with those maneuvers, but it would be no problem for Spider-Man.

Once he returned home, he was able to simply climb the side of his building and sneak back into his apartment without her being any wiser.
Rating: 3 TVs - Until I realized that this commercial starred Spider-Man, I wasn't a huge fan.  But once I figured it out, I liked it a lot more, because Spider-Man is awesome.

Education Connect - School in Pajamas

Here we have the infamous EducationConnect.com commercial where the girl talks about going to class in her pajamas:

When they designed this commercial, they had to know that it looks like an ad for a phone sex line, right?

Were the Education Connect people sitting around at a meeting, wondering how to improve their business, when someone said: "You know, the Shake Weight has really kind of cornered the market on ads that guys use as spank bank material.  Couldn't we get ourselves into that mix too?"

One attractive girl in her pajamas later, and we have ourselves an iconic commercial.

Here's a fun game: Try watching the commercial with the sound off and see how long it takes you to figure out that it isn't actually a sex line ad.

Now put yourself in the mindset of a single man, home by himself watching TV one night.  He might be randomly flipping through channels or just watching a random show.  And then, this commercial comes on. 

Here's how he probably reacts:

0:01 - Allright!  Hot chick in bed!  Score!

0:06 - Sweet, she's got a computer.  Webcam!  I'm totally going to that website after this commercial is over.  EducationConnect.com?  That doesn't seem right, but whatever.

0:19 - Wait, why does it say "Earn $1,000,000 More?"  How much does this cost?  This chick is hot and all, but I'm not gonna pay too much to see her.

0:29 - "Free Service?"  That's more like it!  But there's got to be a catch, right?  Like you only get a free preview and have to pay for the "special" content.

0:46 - "Free Success Kit?"  What the hell are they talking about?

0:50 - "Online Schools Scholarhsips, Financial Aid?"  Holy crap, this isn't a sex line ad?  How is this not a sex line ad?

1:02 - Wow, I guess that wasn't a sex line ad.  I feel kinda dirty now. 

Immediately afterwards - Rewinds the commercial and watches it again.

Rating: 4 TVs - While it might not necessarily be doing a great job in educating people about the product, I have a feeling that this commercial does have a very high re-watchability rate.

DirecTV - Opulence

Many people are fans of the DirecTV ad with the rich Russian. (I assume he's Russian, but I suppose he might be from some other Eastern European nation)

Why do people love this commercial so much?  Is it because of the guy's accent?  Is it because of the attractive women?  Is it because they want to have a lifestyle similar to what this guy is enjoying?

While all of that might be nice, I'm fairly certain the reason people love this commercial so much is because of the miniature giraffe.

Why is that minature giraffe so cool?  It's hard to explain, but I have a suspicion that given the opportunity, just about every person in America would get one.  Someone even created a very authentic looking website where people could order their own mini-giraffe.  Quite a few people were upset that it wasn't real.

If you can see past the wonder that is the mini-giraffe, you'll find that there's a lot of other good stuff in this commercial.

At the beginning of the commercial, there are dogs playing poker.  Yes, much like the famous paitning, this guy has arranged for dogs to play poker, complete with the ace hidden between one of the dog's toes. 

I love that painting.  If I had unlimited money, I think I might get a bunch of dogs to play poker too.  And take a look at the way the dog pushes his chips in.  Based on that, I'd say the dogs actually have an idea of what they're doing.  I suppose that if you were going to go to the trouble of getting dogs to play poker, you might as well go all out and train them how to do it properly.

The commercial does lose me a little when the Russian talks about wanting to save money. 

This guy doesn't worry about how much stuff costs!  He had two gold busts made only to reject one of them.  You think this guy is concerned about the cost of his satellite service?

Really, they should have played up the angle that DirecTV is the service for people who appreciate the finer things in life as this guy definitely does. 

I mean, if ordering DirecTV can set me on a path where I too might one day have poker playing dogs and a mini-giraffe, then I might be very tempted to sign up.

Then again, its not like anyone watching this commercial is going to be too worried about what message they're trying to get across.  All people are going to care about is miniature giraffes and how awesome they are.

One final highlight: At the end where it says 'More on the Facing Book.'  Broken English is funny.

Since the first commercial was so popular, this year DirecTV brought us another edition of the opulent Russian.

You may be thinking: How could they possibly improve upon last year's commercial?  I mean, it had dogs playing poker and a miniature giraffe.

Well, they found a way: Having the miniature giraffe run on a miniature treadmill.  Incredible.  Simply incredible.

Rating: 4.5 - Broken English, dogs playing poker, and a miniature giraffe on a miniature treadmill.  These commercials have it all.  The only thing keeping it from a perfect five rating is that I have a suspicion that the writers are already plotting something that will top the miniature treadmill.  Will they succeed?  We can only hope.

McDonald's - Dollar Menu

Sorry for the long absence.  I'm back with a couple of offerings from McDonald's advertising their Dollar Menu.

In this first ad, a man is put to the test by his girlfriend:

This commercial makes me shudder.

It's a well known fact: Sundays ARE for sitting around and watching football.

Apparently, this woman and her sister don't agree with this.  That's because they are obviously man-hating bitches.

So now this guy is in a tough spot.  He obviously disagrees with the woman (presumably his girlfriend) but does not want to say so, for fear that she may break up with him if he does.

The point of this commercial is supposed to be that this guy orders from the Dollar Menu, so he's obvioulsy smart, and can figure out a way out of this mess.

So what's his big solution?  He lies to her.

Bravo, buddy. Bravo.  You've just doomed yourself to a lifetime of not watching football on Sundays, or as most American men would call it: The Tenth Circle of Hell.  Your Sundays will now be spent doing whatever it is that she wants to do.  So you can probably look forward to carrying her bags around the mall or something.

I don't understand why the guy was in such fear of getting dumped.  She's really going to end things because he disagrees with her and enjoys watching football on Sundays?  If that's the case, then he's probably better off without her.  It isn't a sign of a healthy relationship if he is not allowed to have his own opinions.

I did consider the possibility that this was a very early on in their relationship, and he's being especially cautious.  Well, if he was so concerned about offending her, maybe he should have opted to take her to a slightly classier restaurant.

I've been out of the dating game for some time, but I'm pretty sure that when you're looking to impress a girl, you don't bring her to McDonalds.  I'd also have to guess that she isn't impressed by his financial acumen when he orders off the Dollar Menu.  She probably just thinks that he's cheap.

So basically, the message this commercial is sending is that the Dollar Menu is for guys who are cheap and are scared to death of their girlfriends.

Here's another recent Dollar Menu ad in which McDonald's once again helpfully points out that women are evil. (Sorry, I could only find the truncated version):

The man says that he won't be able to paint the garage due to rain.  In the extended version of the commercial, the woman envisions the guy spending the day sleeping on the couch.  Since it would obviously be horrible if the guy was able to relax and enjoy his weekend, she vows to prevent that from happening.

I mean, the guy probably works hard during the week, and all he wants to do is unwind in his free time.  But she will have none of that!

So she "outsmarts" him by saying they can go look at window treatments, and tops it off with a look that basically says "F*** you!  Your will is mine!"  And based on the man's sad expression, it appears as if he's going to be looking at window treatments.

Here's how the guy should have responded:

"Window treatments?  I'm not looking at window treatments.  I don't give a rat's ass about window treatments.  So why the hell do you need me to go with you?  You're just going to go and pick out the ones you like, while I stand there and say 'Sure, that looks nice.'

"So I'm not going to be loooking at window treatments.  Instead, you will go look at your stupid window treatments while I stay here, lie on the couch, and fall asleep watching sports.  And when you get home, you're going to cook me a nice meal for once, instead of bringing home this garbage off of the Dollar Menu!"
Rating: 2 TVs - Yes, I think we all understand that women are evil and their goal is to ruin men's lives.  But could we ever see a commercial where a guy actually stands up for himself?

And no matter what these commercials say, ordering off of the Dollar Menu doesn't prove that a person is intelligent.  It just shows that they're too lazy to cook, and too cheap to afford something better.

Charmin Ultra - Bears

Now that we're past the Super Bowl, I'll take a request from a reader, and analyze Charmin Ultra's Bears commercial.

Right from the start, this commercial is a bit ridiculous.  The bear is trying to examine his butt to see if he has pieces of toilet paper stuck to himself.

I'm wondering exactly how the TP got on his butt in the first place.  If he can't reach back there to remove the leftover pieces, how was he able to wipe himself?

By the way, does anyone else find it strange that the TP roll is on a tree in a clearing?  I was always under the impression that bears did their business in the woods.

Anyway, the problem of having TP pieces left behind is apparently a recurring one in the bear family.  It's gotten to the point where the mother actually has to inspect her son's butt to make sure that it is clean.

If she knew that this was a problem, why did she wait until now to give him the Charmin Ultra?  She obviously had the package with her, so why did she hold off?  Was this his last chance to prove he could successfully use normal TP before she had to upgrade to the Ultra?

We briefly put those concerns aside as we cut to see the real world testing of the Charmin Ultra.  I do appreciate the fact that they put the testing statistics at the top of the screen.  I would be very concerned if I didn't know exactlty how much water was being used for this test.

Apparently, Charmin is very thorough in their testing process.  They've precisely measured out exactly how much time and water is necessary for a proper test.  Not only that, but we can clearly see that the test is performed using a three pound weight.  Did they think that by only using a one pound weight, they would leave most Americans unconvinced of the strength?

I've never really thought about how much pressure I use when wiping myself.  Has Charmin somehow determined that the average American uses three pounds of pressure when cleaning themselves?  How would they go about measuring this anyway?

We check back in with the bears, and find a much happier scene.  Both mother and son are thrilled to see that after using Charmin, not only are there no paper flakes on the son's butt, but his fur also somehow shines.  How exactly did this happen? 

Honestly, I'm not sure I want to use toilet paper that will leave my butt shiny afterwards.

Apparently, this is not a problem for the son.  He seems to really like the Charmin Ultra.  He likes it to the point that he rubs it against his face afterwards.

I can't say I've ever enjoyed a toilet paper to the point where I'd want to rub it against my face, no matter how soft it is.  Maybe it's just a bear thing.

That makes more sense the more I watch the commercial.  After further viewings, I have come to the conclusion that this product is actually being marketed for bears.

Is having bits of toilet paper left behind that much of a problem for most humans?  Maybe it is an issue for those people who have hairier posteriors, but to the point where special toilet paper is required?  I don't think so.  I think most of us would be just fine with the regular brand.

Bears, on the other hand, probably do get toilet paper stuck in their fur quite a bit.  So maybe this product would be very useful for them.

Rating: 2.5 TVs - While I appreciate the detailed information given about the trials, I think the commercial misses the mark a bit.  The target audience appears to be bears, but I'm not sure how many bears actually use toilet paper.

Super Bowl: Suzuki

This may be my last full Super Bowl ad review before I do a quick round up of some leftover ads tomorrow.

Here is the ad for the Suzuki Kizashi:

At the beginning of the commercial, we see a man driving his Suzuki down a snow covered road.  I'd like to give this guy credit for his driving skills.  Living in the DC area, most of my fellow motorists do not know how to handle driving in wintery conditions.  Faced with this scenario, most of them would just stomp heavily on the brake and skid out.

This guy clearly knows how to drive in the snow.  The key is to not overreact, and from the look of things, this guy isn't fazed by much.  He comes under seige by an army of demonic snowmen, and yet he doesn't panic. 

Let me repeat that: He comes under seige by an army of demonic snowmen and he doesn't panic.  And look at the way those snowmen were moving!  This was not some leisurely chase.  They were definitely coming for him.

Although if we take a closer look, he does seem to make a questionable decision in the face of the snowman attack.  He swerves to avoid the snowballs, but I have to wonder if that was really necessary.  Wouldn't it have been a better strategy to simply concentrate on staying on the road?

We've already seen the car get hit by a few of the snowballs early on and it doesn't seem to suffer any damage.  Yet, if he were to swerve off the road and crash, then he might be faced with some real danger.

Still, I guess I can forgive a little bit of nervousness in this situation.  I'm assuming he doesn't get attacked by living snowmen all that often.

Ultimately, he gets away, but I think that had more to do with the poor strategy emplyed by the snowmen rather than any special abilities of his car.  If you notice, the snowmen choose to surround him right as he comes to a side path, allowing him to get off the road.

Why didn't the snowmen in front of him wait further back?  He still might have turned off the main road, but they would have been able to continue their pursuit.  And as we saw, the snowmen can move faster than the car.

Come to think of it, is that such a good message for Suzuki to be sending?  "This car does not move as fast as demon snowmen."

Regardless, the guy might have escaped from this attack, but is he truly safe?  Are we to believe that this was just an isolated incident of snowmen rebelling against their human creators?  Isn't it more likely that these unholy creatures are a product of the apocalypse?

What happens when the car finally runs out of gas?  Hopefully he'll have made it to a warmer climate where he won't fear snowmen, but I'm sure there will be other demonic creatures lurking. 

There's a good chance that those creatures will attack him with something much more substantial than just snowballs.  Wouldn't he better suited with an SUV that might be able to store supplies and withstand some damage?

Come to think of it, if he had a Hummer or something like that, couldn't he have just run over the snowmen and been done with it?
Rating: 3.5 TVs - Demonic snowmen are kind of cool, and I like seeing someone actually be able to drive well in the snow.  But still, I am left with the impression that the Kizashi truly isn't the best car for this situation.