XFinity - Dish Head Date Night

In Comcast/Xfinity's latest commercial, they try to warn people about the dangers of being a "Dish Head."

First of all, f*** Comcast.  I really can't say that enough.

The point of this commercial is supposed to be that having a satellite dish can hinder your love life.

Is that really the case?  If the man had subscribed to cable, the television would have likely stayed on, and the two of them would have spent a quiet night just watching television.  But since he had the dish, the weather caused the signal to go out, which prompted the woman to suggest getting down to business.

We're supposed to sense her disgust that he doesn't have Xfinity, but it certainly doesn't seem to cool her down much.  She almost seems to be turned on by the fact that he doesn't have Xfinity as she tries to jump his bones just seconds later.

To sum it up: Satellite TV = Poor service = Nookie. If I didn't know better, I might think this was a commercial for satellite.

If he's having trouble with the ladies, I don't think the real problem is that he has satellite TV.  I think the real problem is the fact that HE IS WEARING A GIANT SATELLITE DISH AROUND HIS NECK!

Why is he wearing it?  Are they implying that customers who have satellite TV are forced to wear satellite dishes around their heads?  Because I know that is blatantly false!

Regardless of the reason for the dish, I'd think the guy would be used to it by now, and might have come up with a solution for when he wanted to kiss someone.
Rating - 1 TV - Not only is Xfinity lying about the true satellite TV experience, (customers do NOT actually have to wear satellite dishes around their necks) they're also pretty much promoting their competitors by showing that poor reception makes women horny.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Baby

Now that we're in the midst of football season, we've gotten a new batch of football related commercials.  Here is one that struck a nerve with me from Buffalo Wild Wings:

I can appreciate this commercial from both perspectives.

Before I had kids, I was once invited over to someones house to watch an Eagles game.  More accurately, my wife was invited over, and decided that she would accept on our behalf.  When I learned that there would be children present, I decided to stay home and let her go without me.

When I'm watching football, here's what I like to do: Watch football, shout stuff at the screen (in the case of recent Eagles teams, this stuff usually involves profanity), and make witty comments that show everyone present that I am both funny and knowledgeable about the game of football.

Here's what happens when you watch football with a baby or small child in the room.  The attention of others becomes focused on that child.  If the child is crying, then we've all got to be super concerned with the child's cries.  If the child is doing something cute?  Then everyone has to look and watch even though it might be 4th and goal in the 4th quarter of a close game.

Now that I'm a parent, I sometimes get stuck at home watching the game with my child present.  I often miss watching with friends and/or football fans, and I'm occasionally tempted to invite them over to watch with me.

But I know that would be selfish.  I don't want to force my child upon their football watching.  I don't want to force someone to be quiet during an important game.  Even worse, I don't want my child to be woken up from her nap prematurely.

Sometimes, you just can't help yourself.  There was one play in particular in which I didn't care that my daughter was napping, and she might wake up.  I just had to scream loudly:

In the situation in this commercial, some of the blame has to go to the guests.  You knew they had four small children!  How did you think it was going to go?

But really, the majority of the blame goes to the couple with the children.  When you had four kids, you basically gave up your right to invite people over to watch football.  Don't drag others into your little hellish existence.  Suffer in solitude.

Rating - 4 TVs - I applaud the accuracy of the commercial.  Despite the lousy service at my local Buffalo Wild Wings, anything would have to be better than watching the game among four small children.

Old Navy - New Girl

Old Navy has brought in some star power for their latest ads: The cast of Beverly Hills 90210!

The 90210 gang is working as school teachers, and they - along with the rest of the school - is very enamored of the new girl in class, and the fabulous Old Navy clothes that she's wearing.

There's only one small problem: The new girl isn't actually new.  As one of her classmates points out, she's been going to the school since kindergarten.

What exactly is going on here?  Why does nobody seem to recognize this girl?  I shop at Old Navy from time to time, but I've never had people completely forget who I am just because I buy a new outfit.

I think the key to this mystery lies with the one girl who seems to be able to see through the illusion.  I theorize that this entire school is some sort of "Truman Show" like setup, and the "she's not new" girl is the unknowing star.

Haven't we seen television shows replace a cast member with a new star before?  Maybe this is the opposite of that, and they're taking an existing character and trying to portray her as someone new.

It's kind of like on Lost when they tried to make Paulo and Nikki part of the regular cast.  Well, we didn't buy it then, and the "she's not new" girl isn't buying it now.

Want more evidence?  Take a closer look at the school itself. 

This is not your typical elementary school.  There are slides in the stairwells, automated chalkboards, and chairs that retract at the flip of a switch.  When you throw in the bizarre super-tuba that the girl is playing, this school looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.  Unless this is supposed to be Whoville Elementary, I'd have to say that this school is a fake.

Perhaps the most conclusive piece of evidence is the teaching staff itself.  They hired actors for teachers!  Why else would Jason Priestly and Gabrielle Carteris be working as teachers in a school if it wasn't all part of some elaborate television show?

I will say that I got a kick out of the kid who checks out the "new girl" with a "Who's that?"  He may not know who she is, but he certainly wants to find out more.

Play on, playa!

Rating - 3.5 TVs - I'm intrigued by this whole situation.  How long has this girl been living in this fake world and going to this fake school?  More importantly, how much are they paying the 90210 stars?  These are questions that I want answered. 

This normally might have only merited three stars, but the "Who's that?" kid bumped it up another half star.

The Failures of Fiat

Here is another guest post by Sweaty as he takes on Fiat's American ad campaign:

Fiat is an Italian vehicle manufacturer that bought Chrysler in 2009. Perhaps they thought that buying the old, but failing car giant would jump-start an American invasion, and soon they'd have pint-sized cars driving all over the place.

I personally think the cars are too small for me to drive.  It seems like most of America agrees with me since I haven't seen many of them out on the road.

But the Fiat ad machine is determined to put a rolling cubicle into the garage of the American consumer.  And so they presented us with three commericals.

The first commercial came out a while ago, I believe right after Jennifer Lopez bought the Dolphins with then husband Marc Anthony. I guess she needed some more capital to finish the sale, because when Fiat came calling, she was their first “celebrity.” Maybe the star power would have worked, oh I don't know, a decade ago, when Jenny was still shaking her money maker on the block.

I don’t know if they were trying to play on some sort of everyman theme here, (Kids running after the car? Isn’t that a little Rocky-esque?) but whatever they were thinking, I don’t think it worked. 

So the braintrust went back to the drawing board and came up with this ad for the Super Bowl:

Every company who buys an ad slot for the Super Bowl knows they have to bring their "A" game, since these ads are expected to be great, and will be heavily scrutinized.  (Not to mention the fact that these companies spend millions on them)  So Fiat decided to go the "beer ad" route, utilizing two standard techniques to attract those 18-35 men: humor and sex appeal.

To push their Italian car model, they used...an Italian model. Every red-blooded man has likely been in this position, caught checking out a hot woman while she’s bending down. Whether it’s a view from the front or the back, we can’t help it.  It’s in our TNA DNA.

Except, after she slaps him, she starts seducitively teasing him while talking a foreign language he doesn’t know (or really care about). This culminates when he goes in for a smooch.  And he sees that the woman is actually a car.

If this happened to me, I would never want to see that car again.  It would be a constant reminder of the fact that I didn’t score with a hot Italian model, and almost kissed a car. I’d have model withdrawal flashbacks. I’d probably take bath salts to ease the pain, and be arrested by police for trying to bite some dude’s head off.

Despite the first two ads not quite working, Fiat still wanted one more shot.

It looks like they want to push the Abarth. So far Americans are not buying it, perhaps because its name sounds like slang for puking.  So how does Fiat try to solve this problem?  They decided to use "star" power.

So here we have “America’s bad boy” Charlie Sheen, driving around his mansion, with a bunch of women fawning over the fact he hasn’t hit any one yet.  He gets out, says some stuff about being on good behavior, and HOLY S*** THERE’S THAT HOT ITALIAN MODEL AGAIN! Get out of the screen, Charlie, you’re blocking the shot.

Again, maybe this would have worked well a few years ago, but these days, most people view Charlie Sheen as the punchline of the joke, not the deliverer of it.  He’s no longer on Two and a Half Men, his speaking tour was a failure, and to be honest, Sheen just looks old.

So once again, Fiat struck out.

If I were them, I might try to gear my ads to expatriates, who are used to small cramped cars from their days in their homelands. I think that trying to make a small car sexy and appeal to Americans is a bit of a fool’s errand.   In five years, you’ll probably be able to get an Abarth at any ZipCar pick up. 

And hey, while you're there, you might even be able to pick up Charlie Sheen too.  He'll probably need the work.

Doritos - Man's Best Friend

One of the more popular commercials from the Super Bowl was this offering from Doritos:

We're supposed to believe that Doritos taste so good that by using them as a bribe, the dog is able to buy the man's silence.

But I don't think that the Doritos are what's keeping the man from snitching on the dog.  I think the man remains silent because he is deathly afraid of the dog.

His fear is probably well founded, as this is obviously not an ordinary dog.  Not only is the dog quite large, but he seems to be able to move with great speed and stealth.  Look at the way he seems to appear directly in front of the man.  You wouldn't expect a dog of that size to be able to sneak up on the man like that.

And perhaps most importantly, the dog is able to write notes in English.  This is far beyond the capabilities of most canines.

So we have a super-intelligent, super-fast dog with no qualms about murder.  Yeah, I'd say the man has good reason to be scared of the dog.  If I were him, I'd probably keep my mouth shut too. 

Rating: 2.5 TVs - Doritos seems to be saying that they're the preferred snack chip of intelligent, murderous dogs and the people they threaten.  But the commercial doesn't give any indication if the rest of us will enjoy them too. 

Chevrolet - Happy Grad

The next commercial from the Super Bowl to be reviewed is Happy Grad from Chevrolet:

At first, this appears to be just a big misunderstanding.

But upon closer inspection, I think that it was only natural for the grad to get the wrong impression.  I believe that the parents, and possibly the neighbor, have conspired to intentionally deceive their son.

Look at the evidence:

• If I'm blindfolded before receiving a gift, my expectations are raised.  I would expect to see an expensive gift like a new car.  Is a mini-fridge really a blindfold worthy gift?
• Why did they give him the mini-fridge in the yard?  They could have easily brought it into the house.
• Why did the neighbor park his car in front of their house?  He didn't have a driveway, or there weren't any spots in front of his house?  Based on the neighbor's reaction, it seems possible that he was not actually in on it.  That might have been the most convenient spot for him to park, and he was just an innocent pawn in the parents' scheme.
• Here's the most obvious tell: When the mother brings him outside, she could have brought him directly in front of the mini-fridge.  Instead, she placed him so that the first thing he saw would be the car.

It seems clear that this "mix-up" was in fact a deliberate attempt by the parents to mess with their son's mind.  They may look worried as he is celebrating his "gift," but they're probably enjoying every last second of it, as they await the inevitable heartbreak that he is soon to suffer.

And while I'm sure he'll be upset at first, eventually the graduate will come to realize that he's better off with the mini-fridge.

I assume that he'll be heading off to college in the Fall.  Having a car on campus, especially as a freshman, can be a real hassle.  Parking is usually limited, and he'll probably grow tired of people always asking him for a ride.

On the other hand, that mini fridge will probably prove very useful for his dorm room.

And as for the girlfriend who wants to marry him just because he got a new car?  Yeah, that relationship probably isn't going to last a month once he goes away to college.

Rating - 4 TVs - I can only assume that as my daughter grows up, I'll look for every chance to mess with her mind.  I just hope that one day, an opportunity this great arises.

Honda - Matthew's Day Off

The big game has been played, a champion has been crowned, and now there's nothing left to do but analyze the commercials!

The first one I'll take a look at is Matthew's Day Off by Honda.

I'm still peeved about these companies pre-releasing their Super Bowl ads on the internet. 

I want to see these ads for the first time while watching the game.  When everyone has already seen the best commercials ahead of time, it feels like much of the magic is gone.

But as for the ad itself...

Matthew Broderick's career clearly peaked with Ferris Bueller.  The role was simply too iconic.

That's probably why he hasn't really been successful as an adult actor.  Because no matter what the movie was, we couldn't help but see Ferris Bueller on the screen.  As a result, we were disappointed by him.

Ferris wouldn't have allowed himself to be stalked by a cable guy.  Ferris would have done more to stop Godzilla!

That's probably also a big reason why those movies fared poorly at the box office.  Well, the fact that they sucked also might have had something to do with it. 

When it comes down to it, nobody wants to see Ferris as an adult.  We want to think of Ferris Bueller as an eternal teenager.  We want to think that he always remained the coolest kid around, living life to its fullest and defying authority.

We certainly don't want to see him as a dumpy middle-aged man driving a CR-V, trying in vain to recapture past glory.

And here's the scariest thing about it.  Ferris didn't go on to marry his high school sweetheart Sloan.  No, this is what Ferris went on to marry:

Well, there goes my appetite.

Thank you for reminding us of that, Honda!
Rating: 1 TV - We should all just pretend that this never happened.  Don't watch the commercial.  Just go put Ferris Bueller's Day Off into the DVD player and watch that instead.