Coca-Cola: Shake Up Christmas

Christmas may be over, but that doesn't mean that we can't look at another Christmas-themed ad.

Today's selection is Shake Up Christmas by Coca-Cola:

We start off with a pleasant little scene.  People are enjoying a nice dinner while listening to piano music played by a guy who kind of looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell.  I'm kind of disappointed that they didn't get Dustin Diamond to actually play the part.  I'm sure he could have used the work.

We then cut to an office building where a man is obviously working late based on his forlorn look as he checks the time.  Finally, we see a man hanging decorations on the side of a building. 

All of this seems normal enough.  But then, the various characters hear an odd soda fizz sound and look to the sky.  The camera pans out and we learn the truth: The entire city and its populace are trapped inside one of Santa's snow globes.

Santa apparently has several collections of snow globes, and I can only assume that each one contains a similar community of miniature people.

Just what is going on here?  Did Santa somehow create these mini-people with his magical powers?  Are these normal people that he shrank down and imprisoned?  Is the snow globe some sort of portal into another dimension?

Whatever the explanation, one thing is clear: These people and their city are now subject to the whims of their lord and master Santa Claus!

On this particular night, Santa decides to have some fun with his minions.  He tilts the globe, and chaos ensues. 

Due to the tilting, the people begin to slide all over the place.  I'm impressed by the sturdy construction of Snow Globe City.  You'd think that the buildings' structural integrity would be tested by all the shifting, but everything seems to be holding up just fine.

Strangely enough, the people of the city don't seem to be especially disturbed by any of this.  I'm guessing this isn't the first time that Santa has decided to shake up their world, so maybe they have adopted a "it's going to happen, so let's just go with it" attitude.

Apparently, this is Santa's attempt at making his minions happy.  But did he consider the consequences of these people skipping out on their jobs?

The patrons of the restaurant are no longer going to have mood music while they dine.  That building isn't going to be decorated for the holiday.  Whatever it was that the office guy was working on, well that surely isn't going to get finished.

The office worker eventually slides into what looks to be a school concert.  When the boy on stage - most likely his son - spots him, the man has the nerve to give his son a wink and a "Of course I'm here!" look.

Who are you kidding, pal?  If not for the Santa intervention, there's no way you would have been there.  And look at the expression on the kid's face.  He may be happy, but he's not fooled.  If anything, I'd say he's surprised that his deadbeat father actually managed to show up to something.

Meanwhile, the building decorator has swung over to a neighboring building where a comely lass was conveniently standing on her balcony.  She doesn't seem frightened or bothered by this in the least.  Instead, she shares her Coke with him, and from the looks of things, they'll probably be doing it later on.

Finally, the pianist slides into a house where he is greeted warmly.  He soon leaves his piano behind and joins the family for dinner. 

It isn't clear if this is actually his family, or some random family whose house he just happened to crash into.  It's probably a fairly common occurrence in Snow Globe City for strangers to randomly slide into your house, so maybe they've just gotten in the habit of welcoming all visitors.

At the end, Santa looks pretty darn pleased with himself.  He brought happiness into the lives of three of his miniature subjects, despite what kind of damage might have been done to the rest of the people and the city itself.

Perhaps this is the reason those women in the Best Buy ads were so mad at Santa.  Perhaps they knew the truth about him.  Behind his jolly, gift-giving exterior, there is a cruel tyrant who has thousands of helpless, miniature prisoners at his mercy.

Parents teach their children to behave so that Santa will put them on the "nice" list and bring them gifts.  But maybe they should just warn them that if they're naughty, they'll end up imprisoned in Santa's snow globe.
Rating: 2 TVs - I guess as far as nights in Snow Globe City go, this was a good one.  But I'd be worried to see what happens when Santa is in a bad mood.

Best Buy - Game On, Santa

Since today is Christmas Eve, it is only fitting that I take a look at some ads featuring Santa Claus. 

I used to think that Santa Claus was a revered figure.  I thought he was beloved by everybody.  But Best Buy's Game On, Santa ads have made me reconsider.

A woman goes to Best Buy and finds that they have a lot of good items on sale for under $100.

I wish I knew which Best Buy store she was at.  Any time I go to Best Buy in December, the place is mobbed.  It is nearly impossible to find a sales person, and even if you can, they certainly don't have time to make small talk.

Regardless, the message being sent is clear: Holiday shopping can be expensive, so Best Buy has affordable gifts that make shopping cheap and easy.  I'm well on board with that idea.

But then, the commercial takes a dark turn when the saleswoman jokingly tells the woman that "Santa better watch out." 

She doesn't know the half of it.

Apparently, this woman wasn't excited because she was going to be getting good gifts at a good price.  She was excited because she would get to stick it to Santa.

When Santa comes by her house to fill the stockings, he is disappointed to discover that they have already been filled.  Santa has no place to put his gifts!

But it isn't enough for this woman to just beat Santa at his own game.  He needs to know that he's been beaten!  She makes a point to stay up late just so she can see the crestfallen look on his face.

And then she tops it off with a final insult by telling him to give the gifts to the dog.

Seriously, lady?

Of all the people in the world, why would you want to mess with Santa Claus?

I thought that maybe this was an isolated incident of Santa hatred.  But apparently, there are other Santa-haters out there:

What the hell?

This woman not only bought her family numerous gifts in order to spite Santa, but she also went to the trouble of waiting up on the roof just to antagonize him.

Yes, this woman hates Santa so much that she waited up on her roof all night on Christmas Eve just to antagonize him. 

Santa, the jolly soul that he is, tries to laugh the whole incident off.  'Tis the season for forgiveness, after all.

But this woman is having none of it.  She doesn't want his forgiveness, she wants his very soul!  She gives Santa another giant "f*** you" when she kicks his statue off the roof.

What did Santa do to these women to inspire such hatred?

Are they annoyed that Santa's gifts make them feel unappreciated?  Are they tired of hearing how great Santa is, while Mom's efforts are largely overlooked?

Or does the root of their hatred stretch back to their childhood?

Did they not get that dollhouse they wanted when they were younger?  Did they witness their mother kissing Santa Claus one year and they blame him for the ensuing breakup of their parents?  Are they Communists fearful that his gift giving ways will keep others from supporting their cause?

Whatever the reason, the Grinch and Scrooge had better watch out.  There are some new Christmas villains in town.
Rating: 1 TV - I am deeply disturbed by the amount of hatred these women have for Santa.  Christmas is supposed to be a time for sharing and loving, not a time for settling petty grievances.

But most of all, I would really love to know where that empty Best Buy is.

Lexus - December to Remember: Music Box

It's December, so that means we get the annual December to Remember commercials from Lexus.  You are probably familiar with these.  Someone receives a Lexus as a present, and we're supposed to be moved at what an incredibly touching moment it is.

In this particular entry, a man gives his wife a music box.  This seems like a nice enough present, but based on the anticipation on the children's faces, there's obviously more to this gift. 

She begins to play the music, and a look of recognition comes over her face.  Why that's the Lexus jingle!

Really?  She hears that song from a music box, and instantly recognizes it as the Lexus jingle?  It's not like the tune is especially memorable.  You could probably play it to me for 48 straight hours and I wouldn't be able to identify it.

Maybe she's got an amazing memory, or is some sort of commerical jingle enthusaist.  Whatever the case, she recognizes the jingle and surmises that her real gift is going to be waiting for her in the driveway.

Who are these people?  Just how rich do you have to be that upon hearing a car commercial jingle you automatically assume that you're getting a new car as a gift?  Maybe the husband just thought it was a nice sounding tune.  Wouldn't she be in for a shock when she raced outside to find an empty driveway?

As it turns out, Mrs. Moneybags was correct, and there is a new Lexus waiting for her in the driveway.  And because a new car wouldn't be the same without one, there's a giant bow on top. 

The giant bow is actually the most impressive part of the gift.  I tried to find one of those one year, and didn't have any luck.  Anyone making a decent living could head over to the Lexus dealership and get a car.  But to find a giant bow?  That takes real power and influence.

Here's a question: Why isn't there any snow on the car?  It's clearly snowing at a decent rate, and yet the car doesn't seem to have a flake on it.  Are we to believe that Lexuses come with some sort of snow repellant power?  If so, then they should have made that the focal point of the commercial.

I know I would pay a premium if my car could repel snow.  It would have saved me a couple hours of shovelling these past few winters.

Is it just me, or are the kids just a little too happy that Mom is getting a Lexus?  I mean, I guess it's nice that their mother is happy, but what are they getting out of it? 

Considering that this family is obviously loaded, the kids are probably happy that their mother upgraded from whatever vehicle she had been driving them around in.

"Mummy, can you drop me off at the corner?  I do not want to be seen riding in an Acura!  It's SO embrassing!"

What a bunch of spoiled brats.
Rating: 2 TVs - Between the woman recognizing the Lexus jingle and the snow-proof car, this commercial requires just a little too much suspension of disbelief for my tastes.  And those spoiled kids are a real turn-off.

Domino's Pizza - Decisions

Here's is the latest commercial from Domino's Pizza for their specialty pizza deal:

I get the point they're trying to make here.  Adults have different tastes than children, so the more exotic pizzas preferred by parents may not sit well with their children.  Parents are left with the choice of either only eating plain pizza, purchasing multiple pizzas, or listen to a lot of complaining. 

As someone who will generally only eat plain cheese pizza, I can appreciate this problem.  I'm sure my "I don't want stuff on my pizza" stance can be frustrating to others.

By the way, putting a topping on half of the pizza is not a good compromise in these situations.  If you put the topping on half of the pizza, then the entire pizza is going to taste like the topping.  That's the way it is, and if you try to say otherwise, then you're full of crap.

But for people who feel that they can't ever enjoy a specialty pizza again due to the pickiness of their children, this Domino's deal should be perfect, right?

That may be true, but this commercial is probably doomed for failure, and if Domino's had studied their commercial history, they would know why.

In May 1996, McDonalds released the Arch Deluxe sandwich.  This was a "mature" hamburger that would cater to the more sophisticated tastes of adults.  The ads for the product showed children being repulsed by the burgers, implying that children wouldn't appreciate its finer ingredients and more exotic taste.

Here's one of their commercials.  As an added bonus, it features children rapping!

The ad campaign was a huge failure. Apparently, it isn't a good idea to show people being repulsed by the product that you are attempting to sell.  It tends to turn people away.

That said, the Domino's commercial does have a few highlights:

- That play room looks awesome!  Is this at a day care somewhere?  If so, I think I need to enroll my daughter there.

- I like how the kid uses the bullhorn to say "No."  This kid is obviously not messing around.  He really doesn't want this pizza.  I do wonder why a day care would have a bullhorn lying around for the children to use.  That seems like a bad idea.

- And finally, at the end of the commercial, sitting on the "Oh Yes We Did" easel is a doll of the Noid!  For those of you who are too young to remember the Noid, here's some history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noid
Rating: 2 TVs - The bullhorn and Noid prevent this from being a complete failure, but it amazes me that people can repeat the same mistakes.

Just For Men - Milk

In this Just For Men commercial, a gray haired man is brushing his teeth when his comely neighbor comes by asking to borrow some milk.

He sees this as a golden opportunity.  He knows that if he lends her some milk, then she will be forever beholden to him, and he will be richly rewarded.

But there is a problem: He doesn't have any milk!

Was he really surprised that he didn't have any milk in the fridge?  From what we can tell, this guy doesn't exactly keep his fridge well stocked.  All he seems to have in there are some Chinese leftovers and a beer.  You'd think that with that little in the fridge, he'd have a good idea of whether or not he had any milk.

But that isn't going to deter him.  He is going to get his neighbor some milk no matter what it takes!

Considering that this commercial is supposed to be for Just For Men, it isn't made especially clear if he went to the store with the Just For Men in mind, or if it was an afterthought while he was already out getting milk.  If you think about it, this is really more of a commercial for milk.

I also have to wonder if the Just For Men is a wasted purchase.  I'm guessing that he's encountered his neighbor before, so she knows that he has gray hair.  Is his brown hair going to be that much of an attraction if she knows that it is dyed?

Regardless of his hair intentions, he knows that he's going to accomplish nothing without milk, so he quickly springs into action.  With a mighty leap off the balcony, he lands on a passing truck, and is on his way to the store. 

I wonder if he thought this all the way through.  How exactly does he plan to get to the store, complete his purchase, return home, and dye his hair in a reasonable amount of time?  While hitching a ride on the truck surely saved some time, I'd have to think the entire process would take at least ten minutes.  He must have faith that his neighbor REALLY wants milk to wait at the door for that long.

It works in his favor that this particular store has the world's largest Just For Men display.  You'd think a store like might carry a few boxes, but they seem to have an entire aisle dedicated to the product.

As it turns out, he was correct that time wasn't a huge concern.  Neighbor lady is either extremely patient, or else she is dead set on making pancakes, and for some reason, she has decided that this guy is her only hope.  The only sign she gives that this is taking longer than she expected is a little bit of anxious swaying and an attempt to look into the peephole.

Finally, he opens the door and presents her with the milk.  And she certainly likes what she sees.  She is so impressed by his newly dyed hair that she doesn't even ask him why it took over ten minutes to get some milk out of the fridge.  Instead, she offers him some pancakes.

Based on the look she gives him, I have to assume that "pancakes" is just a code word for "sex." 

My biggest question about the commercial: How the hell does he get back into his apartment? 

His apartment is clearly a few stories off the ground, and while gravity will assist him in getting down to the street, that isn't going to be much help in getting back inside.

It took me a little while, but I finally figured it out: This is actually Peter Parker! 

Look at the way he was able to jump onto the moving truck and then swing his way off via the lamp post.  Most normal humans would have some difficulty with those maneuvers, but it would be no problem for Spider-Man.

Once he returned home, he was able to simply climb the side of his building and sneak back into his apartment without her being any wiser.
Rating: 3 TVs - Until I realized that this commercial starred Spider-Man, I wasn't a huge fan.  But once I figured it out, I liked it a lot more, because Spider-Man is awesome.

Education Connect - School in Pajamas

Here we have the infamous EducationConnect.com commercial where the girl talks about going to class in her pajamas:

When they designed this commercial, they had to know that it looks like an ad for a phone sex line, right?

Were the Education Connect people sitting around at a meeting, wondering how to improve their business, when someone said: "You know, the Shake Weight has really kind of cornered the market on ads that guys use as spank bank material.  Couldn't we get ourselves into that mix too?"

One attractive girl in her pajamas later, and we have ourselves an iconic commercial.

Here's a fun game: Try watching the commercial with the sound off and see how long it takes you to figure out that it isn't actually a sex line ad.

Now put yourself in the mindset of a single man, home by himself watching TV one night.  He might be randomly flipping through channels or just watching a random show.  And then, this commercial comes on. 

Here's how he probably reacts:

0:01 - Allright!  Hot chick in bed!  Score!

0:06 - Sweet, she's got a computer.  Webcam!  I'm totally going to that website after this commercial is over.  EducationConnect.com?  That doesn't seem right, but whatever.

0:19 - Wait, why does it say "Earn $1,000,000 More?"  How much does this cost?  This chick is hot and all, but I'm not gonna pay too much to see her.

0:29 - "Free Service?"  That's more like it!  But there's got to be a catch, right?  Like you only get a free preview and have to pay for the "special" content.

0:46 - "Free Success Kit?"  What the hell are they talking about?

0:50 - "Online Schools Scholarhsips, Financial Aid?"  Holy crap, this isn't a sex line ad?  How is this not a sex line ad?

1:02 - Wow, I guess that wasn't a sex line ad.  I feel kinda dirty now. 

Immediately afterwards - Rewinds the commercial and watches it again.

Rating: 4 TVs - While it might not necessarily be doing a great job in educating people about the product, I have a feeling that this commercial does have a very high re-watchability rate.

DirecTV - Opulence

Many people are fans of the DirecTV ad with the rich Russian. (I assume he's Russian, but I suppose he might be from some other Eastern European nation)

Why do people love this commercial so much?  Is it because of the guy's accent?  Is it because of the attractive women?  Is it because they want to have a lifestyle similar to what this guy is enjoying?

While all of that might be nice, I'm fairly certain the reason people love this commercial so much is because of the miniature giraffe.

Why is that minature giraffe so cool?  It's hard to explain, but I have a suspicion that given the opportunity, just about every person in America would get one.  Someone even created a very authentic looking website where people could order their own mini-giraffe.  Quite a few people were upset that it wasn't real.

If you can see past the wonder that is the mini-giraffe, you'll find that there's a lot of other good stuff in this commercial.

At the beginning of the commercial, there are dogs playing poker.  Yes, much like the famous paitning, this guy has arranged for dogs to play poker, complete with the ace hidden between one of the dog's toes. 

I love that painting.  If I had unlimited money, I think I might get a bunch of dogs to play poker too.  And take a look at the way the dog pushes his chips in.  Based on that, I'd say the dogs actually have an idea of what they're doing.  I suppose that if you were going to go to the trouble of getting dogs to play poker, you might as well go all out and train them how to do it properly.

The commercial does lose me a little when the Russian talks about wanting to save money. 

This guy doesn't worry about how much stuff costs!  He had two gold busts made only to reject one of them.  You think this guy is concerned about the cost of his satellite service?

Really, they should have played up the angle that DirecTV is the service for people who appreciate the finer things in life as this guy definitely does. 

I mean, if ordering DirecTV can set me on a path where I too might one day have poker playing dogs and a mini-giraffe, then I might be very tempted to sign up.

Then again, its not like anyone watching this commercial is going to be too worried about what message they're trying to get across.  All people are going to care about is miniature giraffes and how awesome they are.

One final highlight: At the end where it says 'More on the Facing Book.'  Broken English is funny.

Since the first commercial was so popular, this year DirecTV brought us another edition of the opulent Russian.

You may be thinking: How could they possibly improve upon last year's commercial?  I mean, it had dogs playing poker and a miniature giraffe.

Well, they found a way: Having the miniature giraffe run on a miniature treadmill.  Incredible.  Simply incredible.

Rating: 4.5 - Broken English, dogs playing poker, and a miniature giraffe on a miniature treadmill.  These commercials have it all.  The only thing keeping it from a perfect five rating is that I have a suspicion that the writers are already plotting something that will top the miniature treadmill.  Will they succeed?  We can only hope.