Miller Lite - Man Up

In this post, I'll examine a series of related commercials: Miller Lite's Man Up ads.

The basic premise of these spots is that real men care about their beer, so they'll pick a high quality beer like Miller Lite.  Those who don't care about their beer quality are obviously horrible people, and this is fully demonstrated in other ways.

In the first example, we see a guy who has applied bronzer to himself in an effort to look tan:

I think most of us can agree that using bronzer is indeed a douchey thing to do, and the people who do it deserve some ridicule.  I just don't think that the guy in the commercial is a good example of your typical bronzer user.

I'm thinking that the type of people who use bronzer would make sure that their entire body is covered.  There's no way that they would be left with faux tan lines like this guy.

Nothing else about this guy indicates that he is the type to wear bronzer.  A guy who wears bronzer probably wouldn't wear just a plain polo shirt.  Maybe he'd wear a Lacoste shirt, but he'd make special effort to make sure that the logo was visible.

Really, I picture the typical bronzer user wearing Ed Hardy or something along those lines.  At the very least, the guy would have popped the collar.

Not to mention the guy's hairstyle.  It looks like he has put no effort whatsoever into styling his hair.  Where's the pound of gel? 

So I guess this guy isn't really supposed to be a douchebag, but more like a clueless idiot.  And I suppose that the point still gets across: Only morons like this wouldn't care what kind of light beer they drink. 

In the next commercial, we see the type of douchey outfit that I would have expected from the guy in the first commercial:

This guy has gone the full mile with his outfit.  His jeans and shirt coordinate, and he even has a matching jacket.

OK, I truly believe that some people actually dress like this.  Where the commercial loses me is when the guy gets shaken up so easily.

Guys who dress like this wouldn't be offended when a bartender made fun of his outfit.  He would just assume that the bartender was "into him," and her comments were just a way of flirting.

I can't imagine that this is the first time he's gone out in public dressed like this.  He's probably heard the comments before.  So why does he seem so bothered to the point that he denies that being his jacket?  In real life, this guy wouldn't worry about what people were saying about him.  He'd just call them all haters.

And in real life, this guy would probably be surrounded by a pack of similarly dressed guys.  Remember, douchebags tend to travel in packs.

In the final commercial, I think Miller Lite unfortunately loses track of the message they're trying to get across.

In the other Man Up commercials, the guys they show may be exaggerations, but they are scenarios that could potentially happen in real life.  Guys do go out wearing bronzer.  Guys do go out wearing dragon clothing.  And in some of their other commercials, we see guys in skinny jeans and thong bathing suits.  Also situations which do (unfortunately) sometimes happen.

In this commercial, the guy is wearing a skirt.  It's not like he's wearing baggy pants that look like a skirt.  He isn't wearing a kilt or something that might be mistaken for a skirt.  No, he is just wearing a skirt.

Why would he be wearing a skirt to a bar?  And why doesn't he seem to think that there's anything wrong with it?

Is he a cross dresser?  If so, he has clearly half assed his effort.  Merely wearing a skirt doesn't make someone a cross dresser.  It just makes them kind of weird.

Maybe he's just wearing the skirt to gain attention.  There are lots of people who wear funky outfits just to get noticed.  But if that was his motivation, why does he look so offended when the bartender calls him out on it?  Shouldn't he be happy that she noticed?

Also, at the end of the commercial, doesn't it seem like his friends stare an awkwardly long time at his open fly?  Maybe they don't want to say anything to him about it because he's insane.  But wouldn't they be more likely to just avert their gaze instead of staring directly at his crotch?

I think this guy has some serious issues, and they go way beyond not caring how his light beer tastes.


After watching all of the commercials, I am left with a few questions:

1. Isn't Miller Lite in danger of alienating the douchebag population, and won't that severely cut into their business? 

Have you been to a bar lately?  There are douchebags everywhere!  And now that we've got a generation of young men who think that the guys on Jersey Shore are good role models, the problem is only going to get worse.

If these guys become offended by these ads and won't buy Miller Lite out of protest, I think the company could be in serious trouble.

2. Where exactly does Miller Lite find these bars that have hot, friendly women bartenders? 

You might say: These girls aren't that friendly.  They make fun of their customers.  But they only do that after the guys have clearly shown that they don't have taste and are worthy of scorn.

First off, you rarely see hot women working the bar during a daytime shift, and if you do, they're probably in a pissy mood. 

In real life, most hot female bartenders usually won't even look you in the eye unless you're dropping some serious money.  They almost definitely won't give you the time of day if you're only ordering one light beer.  And they certainly won't spend the time to ask if you care about how the beer tastes.

3. Is the bar's poor beer selection the real problem?

They seem to only carry two types of beer: Miller Lite and the generic "Light Beer."  Maybe the reason these guys don't care about how their beer tastes is because they only have two choices, and they're both kind of lousy.

I mean, Miller Lite is OK, but is it so much better than any other light beer that I would care enough to specifically order it?

Upon further review, the guys don't specifically ask for the generic beer.  They just say that it doesn't matter.  Maybe they're trying to make the bartenders' job easier?  Or maybe they figure it will lead to further conversation.

But that doesn't happen.  Apparently, unless you specifically say that you care how the beer tastes or ask for a Miller Lite, these girls are going to give you the generic choice and then mock you.

So I take back what I said earlier.  These girls are bitches.
Rating: 2.5 TVs - While douchebags do deserve to be mocked, I don't know if they should glorify bitchy women like this.

Red Bull - Zebra

For today's commercial, I'll be taking my first ever request: Red Bull's Zebra.

By now we all know the basic concept of Red Bull commercials: By drinking Red Bull, the consumer gains superhuman strength and abilities allowing him or her to perform an extraordinary feat.

So early on, we can kind of see what's going to happen here: The zebra is going to get the upper hand.  If that was the entire basis of the commercial, it would have been somewhat bland.

The commercial gives us an extra payoff at the end by showing that not only did the zebra win the fight, but that the alligator has been made into a purse

The big question that the commercial raises is whether or not the zebra's actions were intentional.  Was this a preconceived plot to gain a new handbag, or did the zebra simply stumble into a perilous situation, and ended up ahead thanks to the power of Red Bull?

When she puts on lipstick at the beginning of the commercial, I'm not sure if this is done to merely indicate that she is female (it would be weird to have a male zebra carry around a purse) or that she is a fashionable zebra.

If we are meant to see that the zebra is fashionable, then we have to assume that her encounter with the alligator was not accidental, but rather planned.  She knew that the alligator would attack, and thanks to the Red Bull she would be able to overpower it, and make it into a purse.

On the other hand, she might not have realized that the alligator was present, and their encounter was unintentional.  She might have just been planning to take a relaxing swim, not knowing that there was any danger.  Notice that she seems to let out a surprised gasp when the alligator had her by the neck.

Of course, it is possible that even if she did plan the encounter, she might have underestimated the ferocity of the alligator's attack.  I'd have to guess that the zebra had never fought an alligator before, and she didn't know exactly what to expect from him.

By the end, we see that regardless of how the encounter came about, an alligator is no match for a zebra on Red Bull.  Especially if she has her eye on a new purse.
Rating: 3.5 TVs - The payoff at the end makes this rise above the standard Red Bull commercial.  I gave it an extra half TV because it features a zebra, and I like zebras.

Forever Lazy

Up until now, all of the commercials I've reviewed have been for large corporations.  They were obviously created by a professional advertising agency and had a sizable budget.

But there are many other ads out there which don't quite live up to these lofty standards.  These are not the ads that air during prime time network shows or NFL games.  No, these commercials typically air in less prestigious time slots, like during daytime game shows or talk shows.

I call them the Daytime Delights.

The first Daytime Delight I will look at is the Forever Lazy.

By now, we're all familiar with the Snuggie.  Snuggies (along with imitators like The Slanket and Comfy Throw) have been widely mocked, but eventually accepted into our lives.  My family actually owns three of them: One in basic blue, one in zebra stripes, and one licensed by the Philadelphia Eagles.

From what I can tell, one day, an aspiring entrepreneur took a look at the Snuggie and thought, "Hey, that's pretty good, but I think I have a way to make it even better!"  And so, the Forever Lazy was created.

I like how they show images of money as the woman is adjusting the thermostat.  Because without those images, we would have no hope of getting the point that heat costs money.

Then we see people having problems with blankets.  By the way these people are dramatically reacting, it is clear that these are not just minor issues.  They are EXTREMELY unhappy with the situation.  I never realized that blankets were so difficult to use, but I guess there's a large portion of our population who just can't figure them out.

Fortunately, we have a solution to this crisis: The Forever Lazy.

I'm not going to lie to you.  Those people do look mighty comfortable.  If they had just marketed the FL as something to wear while lounging around the house, we'd probably be OK with it.

But no, Forever Lazy has greater ambitions.  Apparently, the FL isn't just for hanging out at home.  It's also very useful for social events too.

They show a group of friends watching TV, and I have to wonder: Did the friends come over and bring their own FLs?  I can't remember ever going over to a friend's house and bringing my own blanket, but maybe that's because I've never had a FL.  Maybe if I had one, I wouldn't be able to bear the thought of going anywhere without it.

But assuming that they did not bring their own FLs, that meant that the host had enough of them to share with his guests.  That guy must REALLY think that it is a special product to not only buy one for himself, but to also buy enough for any guests who might stop by.

And while it is mighty nice of him to share, I think it probably would have been better to just turn the heat up if he was having guests over.

Did he say to his friends: "It's really cold because we turn the heat way down to save money.  But don't worry, I have this Forever Lazy for you to wear."  I don't think I would be going back to that friend's house after that.

Then we learn that the FL isn't just for indoor use.  Are you tired of your deck or patio being wasted during the cold weather months?  Now you can enjoy them all year long thanks to the warmth provided by the FL!

The last time I was at an outdoor sporting event, I did kind of feel that something was missing  As if my experience could have been enhanced somehow.  I now realize what I was missing: a full body blanket!

It looks like my days of wearing jerseys and other team merchandise when I go to games are over.  From now on, the only team I'll be supporting is Team Forever Lazy!

Best of all, there are convenient zippered pouches for easy use in the bathroom.

That's not gross or anything.  I wonder if when that guy offers FLs to his guests if he enacts a "no bathroom" policy.  Because I don't think I would be too crazy about wearing one that someone has brought into the bathroom.

Some other highlights of the commercial:

• What kind of weird family is this where everyone but the father is into watching the big game?  Apparently, falling asleep is what "Dad does best."  Is he narcoleptic or something?
• So this is FL's impression of what a typical dorm room looks like?  I don't think most dorm rooms have those types of desks.  And shouldn't that girl be upset that this guy is playing video games while she's trying to study?  Maybe she should go to the library since we've seen that the FL doesn't limit one's activity in any way.
• When they show the guy getting food out of the fridge: Holy crap, how much is that guy about to eat?  It looks like he has enough food to feed a family of four. 

In conclusion, I'm left with just one important question: How exactly is this any different from a sweat suit?

Rating: 4 TVs - I have to think that the producers of this commercial knew that this was going to be unintentional comedy gold.  They couldn't possibly be serious about this, right?

AT&T - Train

Let's take a look at AT&T's Train commercial:

So yeah, this is cute and all.  Because the guy had his AT&T phone, he was able to change his train ticket, meet the girl of his dreams, and the result of their coupling is the future president of the United States.

Cuteness aside, I have a few complaints about this one:

I don't care how great the guy's phone is, there is no way he is able to change his ticket that quickly.  Even if he's getting good service in the train station, (highly doubtful) there's no way that the ticketing website can process the transaction in that short of a time. 

In real life, he'd probably have to sit through five minutes of "Please wait while we look up your account" screens, and ten prompts to verify his identity and payment information.  By the time the switch is done, the train will have long since pulled away, and the guy will have lost his true love.

Moving past the unrealistically fast ticket change, I have to wonder about the guy's impulsiveness.  This guy is going to go to all of this trouble just based on looking at the girl from a distance for a few seconds? 
What happens if he gets on the train, sees her up close and realizes that maybe she wasn't as attractive as he had thought?  Or what if she was fat?  Or maybe after talking to her, he realizes that he can't stand her personality?  That's going to be one awkward train ride.

And considering that she was riding on a train, there's a good chance that she doesn't live anywhere near him.  Is he willing to make the sacrifices necessary for a long distance relationship?

This doesn't even factor in the money this transaction has cost him.  Train tickets are quite expensive these days, and not only did the guy change his ticket (I'm sure there are change fees included), but he's now committed himself to buying a ticket back from wherver this new train is headed.

Seriously, it worries me that a guy who is so impulsive and who so obviously does not think things through is going to be raising a future president.

This assumes that she would even want anything to do with him.  More likely, she's going to be a little creeped out by the weird stalker guy who jumped on the train at the last minute and sat next to her.  I'd guess that she gets up and changes seats at the next stop, and prays that he doesn't follow her.

By the way, have you noticed that these two look an awful lot alike?  Like they're one of those weird couples who looks like they're brother and sister?

Hmmm...maybe that explains it.

Obviously, there is an instant connection between the couple.  A connection so strong that it convinces the guy to change his ticket and get on the train.  But what if the reason for the connection isn't love, but rather because the two of them are long, lost twins separated at birth?

Unfortunately, they never discover that they are siblings, and that means that the future president of our country is the unholy product of inbreeding.  Our country is ruined!  And it's all AT&T's fault!

Then again, it's not like President Inbred could really be much worse than W, right?
Rating: 1.5 TVs out of 5 - Impulsiveness and inbreeding do not make me want to purchase a product

State Farm - Magic Jingle

Here is State Farm's Magic Jingle commercial:

First off, how did that get on top of his car?  Was a construction truck driving by and it fell?  And the driver didn't even notice?  I think that someone would have noticed a giant cement tube crushing a car.

Isn't State Farm kind of setting up their customers for disappointment when their agents don't magically teleport on site whenever someone sings their jingle?  If I was a State Farm customer, I think I'd be a little pissed when I had to deal with an automated phone system instead of having my agent magically materialize.

This is assuming that State Farm agents don't really have the ability to teleport.  I'm correct about this, right?

Although upon closer inspection, this commercial isn't actually implying that State Farm agents have magical powers, but rather that being a State Farm customer actually gives people godlike powers.  After all, the agent, panda bear, and Bob Barker were summoned through the will of the customers.

If that is the case, I'll give the State Farm agent a lot of credit.  He was summoned from out of nowhere, but he didn't seem to even skip a beat.  He quickly assessed the situation and handled it expertly.  I guess since the company's customers have godlike powers, he might be kind of used to this by now.  I'm still thinking it would have been an awkward situation if he was on the can when he was teleported though.

I do have to wonder why the girl is the one to call her agent, when it is clearly the guy's car that got ruined.  Maybe they're on the same policy?  Are they dating?  At first, I thought the guy on the left was her boyfriend, and was going to give her the panda as a sign of affection.  But based on her complete disgust with him, I don't think that they're an item.

And what can you say about Bob Barker?  Is he not one of the greatest people ever?  Just look at the girl's face when he appears.  He may be in his 80s, and looks like he has spent just a bit too much time in a tanning bed, but she is still ready to bone him. 

I mean, they're not even pissed when he blatantly destroyed their bird bath.  He could have had the new car appear anywhere, but he chose to have it go right where the bird bath was.  Maybe this was his subtle revenge for being summoned?

Rating: 4 TVs out of 5
Anything involving Bob Barker is awesome, and I like the idea of State Farm giving people godlike abilities.

Bud Light - Close Encounters

For my first offering, I'll take a look at Bud Light's Close Encounters ad:

I'll give Bud Light some credit.  In just about every one of their ads, there is a consistent message: Bud Light is so amazing, that people will go to insane lengths just to get some.

While this does ignore the fact that Bud Light might be the most easily obtainable beer in America, they have managed to stick with this message over the years.  Judging by Bud Light's popularity, I suppose that the commercials have to be working at least a little.

In this commercial, the hot female aliens apparently need men to help them repopulate their species.  In exchange, they are offering Bud Light.

Now, at first glance, this is a solid plan on their part.  I know that the offer of free beer can help convince your friends to do things like move, or drive you to the airport.  So getting men to have sex in exchange for beer seems like a slam dunk.

But I do have to wonder if their plan will even work.  The aliens are clearly not human (humans do not have antennae)  How can they be sure that a human sperm would even be able to impregnate them?  Humans are chimpanzees share most of the same genetic DNA, and yet a human can not impregnate a chimp, even though I'm sure there are sickos out there who have tried.

So I have to really doubt that human and alien DNA is compatible.  And even if it is, they aren't really saving their race.  After all, the children will be half alien/half human, so their race will never be the same regardless.

I've also noticed that the aliens never really promise sex.  What if their method of reproduction involves surgically extracting sperm or something painful?  I don't think a few bottles of Bud Light is going to seem like adequate compensation for that.

Even if they do reproduce sexually, I have to wonder if there were more than just the three aliens on the spaceship?  For the guys' sake, I certainly hope so, or else there are going to be some really awkward moments on board.

When I watched this commercial during the recent BCS Championship Game, everyone in attendance - male and female - had the same reaction to the ending: It is annoying.

Why are the women so happy that the men are gone?  Is it because they now had all the Bud Light to themselves?  I once again have to point out how easy it is to obtain Bud Light.  If I really wanted to, I could have a bottle of it in my hands in five minutes.  (Considering my boss is away, I really could)

I mean, I'm sure they all enjoy a good "girls night out" every once in awhile, but I'd think that at least some of the women would be upset by the fact that they were just abandoned in favor of aliens. 

Have you ever seen the way women react when a hot, heavily made up girl walks into a bar?  There is instant dislike.  And if their boyfriend pays the hot girl any attention whatsoever?  You can practically see smoke.

No, the women would not be jubilant.  They would be super pissed, and probably screaming profanities.

Also, the way that one woman raises her arms is super annoying.  It's like she really hated her husband or something, and she was looking for an excuse to get rid of him. 

Rating: 2.5 TVs out of 5 -

A promising premise, but too many plot holes and an annoying ending hold it back.