When watching football yesterday, I was taken slightly aback by one of the commercials I saw:
So a guy decides to propose to his girlfriend on an airplane. This raises a very important question: Why?
Since they're on a plane, they are likely headed either to or from a vacation destination. So why would the guy propose while still on the plane? There are many romantic places where a man could propose to his girlfriend, but I don't think an airplane is one of them.
The only possibility I can think of is that this guy really wants to join the Mile High Club. He probably doubts that he'll ever have the opportunity, and then he has a brilliant idea. Sure, he could wait until they get to their destination, OR he could propose in flight, and maybe he'll get to enjoy some bathroom nookie. I mean, doesn't she pretty much have to do him now?
Bathroom. Now.
As I think about it further (and really, I've given this WAY more thought that it deserves), I suppose that maybe the couple originally met while on an airplane. In that case, then the airplane proposal would actually be somewhat fitting.
My second question is: How the hell does the flight attendant know that the ring is from Jared? Maybe he told her that he was about to propose and she asked about it. But from my experience, most women would be more interested in the "four C's" rather than where he got it. Besides, look at her expression. She seems quite surprised by the proposal.
Isn't it kind of confusing to announce, "He went to Jared?" Would most people even know what the heck she was talking about? This guy sure doesn't:
Huh?
But I suppose it all ends well. She said yes, the passengers all get to share tiny bottles of champagne, and this guy is about to get some in the lavatory. Rating - 2 TVs - Jewelry commercials are inherently evil, but this one manages to be both evil and stupid. I just hope the bathroom loving was worth it to the guy.
Over on The Cutter Rambles, I began talking about this AOL commercial, and I realized it deserved some Ad Pundit-style analysis:
I give AOL credit for acknowledging how most people felt about getting those CDs in the mail. But deep down, don't you kind of miss them?
That is certainly an impressive piece of artwork. But did AOL provide CDs in all those colors, or did they have to supplement the fish with other CDs? Why isn't this commercial answering these important questions?
Look honey! There's a creepy little Jewish man in our house!
Before this couple could waste their AOL CD (As if there wouldn't be another one in the mail tomorrow), Jerry Stiller shows up to set them straight. The couple seems quite impressed that Jerry is in their home. Then again, it doesn't seem to be too hard to impress these people.
For instance, they sure seem impressed by the fact that AOL has introduced new features.
Please....tell us more.
How does the woman react when she hears that there's a 90 day money back guarantee? Let's just say that it's obvious that this little lady hasn't been so excited in years.
We must have the AOL now!
They get a good laugh when Jerry suggests using a Snoop Dogg CD in the fish instead.
What a kidder! Everyone knows that rap music is the work of the devil!
But someone isn't quite amused...Snoop Dogg is in the hizzouse!
Now wait just one minizzle!
Hilarity ensues.
Oh look, Honey. There's a black man in our house. Call the police!
Rating - 4 TVs - I do enjoy me some good 90's nostalgia. And this commercial features AOL CDs, Jerry Stiller, and Snoop Dogg. It doesn't get much more 90's than that.
Burger King has launched a new ad campaign. It takes place at a fictional Burger King and introduces a bunch of new products that are only on the menu on a temporary basis. Sounds simple enough, right?
That's when the strategy takes a big left turn. First they were using celebrities: A handsome David Beckham, an ancient looking Steven Tyler, a smoking hot Selma Hayek.
My problem is that the focus on the products is taken away by the stupid crap they have the cast doing in the commercials. Even though they had celebrities, they were all pretty much acting the fool.
On the other hand, if they simply showed this image with the words"Buy a salad" below it, I would happily oblige.
Salad sales immediately increased by 300%
After that, I guess they ran out of ad money on celebrities, because when promoting the cheaper Whopper Jr., they used a puppet instead. And not even a famous puppet like Kermit the Frog or Big Bird!
They've got everything at this Burger King! Selma Hayek's doing costume changes, Steven Tyler's manning the to-go window, and puppets are forcing people to dance. Did someone slip some LSD into the ice machine?
To top it off, they decided to be the only fast food chain to embrace the internet meme by remixing the Whopper Jr commercial with the Harlem Shake:
If this was my neighborhood Burger King, I'd definitely be hitting up the Golden Arches. Or Wendy's. Or Fuddrucker's. Or I'd take the time to cook a damn burger myself.
Besides, I've never seen a Burger King (or for that matter, ANY fast food joint) where the employees are that happy. Really, the only time I've ever even seen customers that happy is when they've been drinking. Heavily.
People don't go to fast food restaurants to have fun. They go there to eat quickly and cheaply. Don't paint it as something it's not.
Hopefully the really exciting thing happening at Burger King is that this commercial concept is like sweet potato fries: For a limited time only.
Rating - 1 TV - The only reason for one TV is Hayek's voluptuous, bouncing....personality. Of course, if that's all it took to sell me a burger, Hardee's/Carl's Junior would have all of my business.
The synopsis of this commercial is people doing cool activities I’d assume 95% of people on earth have never tried. In the meantime, some slightly foreign-sounding guy talks about pushing boundaries to the limit while epic music plays in the background. To truly appreciate the commercial, you have to step back a bit.
Red Bull has basically made the energy drink market its bitch. It invaded Jolt cola’s market, dethroned the king, and now wears the crown. No matter what new gimmick drink Mountain Dew or Monster unveil, Red Bull is like Jordan in his prime. It has achieved the Super Bowl of a product; it has become a part of our verbal lexicon, amid the ranks of Xerox and Coke. No one is going to walk into a bar and order a Monster and Vodka (unless they are asking the bartender to check them into an actual rehab facility).
Of course Red Bull still has to advertise. After all, when you’re king, you want your subjects far and wide to know your name. But there’s no need to say things like “new” and “improved.” When you’re on top of the ladder, there’s no need to go any higher. And Red Bull does sponsor a lot of extreme sports and activities all around the globe. So why not just have an ad showing all that the cool shit they choose to sponsor (read: advertise on)? Brilliant!
“But Sweaty,” you may say, “their ads don’t even show their product or what’s in it, aside from the trademark dueling toros rojos.” That’s probably not a bad thing.
What’s in Red Bull is a lot of chemicals designed to stop your body from telling you that you’ve stayed up too late, no mas! And besides, look at commercials today. What the modern day Mad Men don’t want you to see is that, besides ads selling cars, cleaning products, and pharmaceuticals, very few ads actually talk about what the products they’re advertising actually do!
What does a talking gecko have to do with insurance? A race car driver with internet domain names? A Clydesdale with beer (other than one makes you have to pee like the other)? It’s all branding.
Which brings us back to Red Bull. They abandoned the cartoons and catchy slogan, and instead put on a breathtaking show of basically people doing cool activities I’d assume 95% of people on earth have never tried. Long live the king.
Rating - 4 TVs - Isn't it ironic that a company that discusses how its product "gives you wings" sponsored a guy falling from space? Shouldn't it be "Red Bull gives you a capsule and a parachute to hinder your fall?"
At first, this commercial for the Santa Fe didn't make much sense to me:
This kid has a group of friends who seem to be freakishly strong. What's even more confusing is how they come running to help him as soon as he shows up. How did they know what he wanted?
It finally made sense when I realized who the child was: Charles Xavier!
The boy in this commercial is obviously a young Professor X. He used his mutant telepathy to locate other mutants who could help him out. And the reason they already seem to know what's going on is because he contacted them psychically and asked them for help.
And just who are these junior X-Men that he has assembled?
The Brawn Brothers - Two brothers with amazing strength!
Welder - With the power to construct any device! (Want more proof that this is really Charles Xavier? Look at what Welder is building. It looks a lot like Professor X's Cerebro machine.)
Phyla - He can channel the power of any animal on Earth!
Asbestos - The Fireproof Boy!
Together, they shall join together and vanquish the evil bullies who have stolen Xavier's ball!
Now you might be wondering why Xavier didn't just use his powers against the bullies and be done with it.
That's a good question, but it is consistent with Xavier's behavior in the comics. Why use your powers to stop the bad guys when you can recruit a group of super-powered children to do the job for you?
Rating - 4 TVs - This commercial has gotten me quite excited to see the next X-Men movie. Good job Hyundai!
The next Super Bowl commercial up for review comes from Speed Stick:
After waiting a long time for a dryer, a man becomes impatient, takes someone else's clothes out, and throws them on the floor.
I think he was quite justified in doing so.
In a communal laundry setting, it is common courtesy to remove your clothes in a timely manner. By washing your clothes at a laundromat, you're basically agreeing to a social contract that says, "I will remove my clothes soon after they are done, or I run the risk of having them thrown on the floor."
Unfortunately, he is caught in the act by the owner of the laundry, and she happens to be an attractive woman.
I think this is the root of the problem. Being an attractive woman, she is probably used to getting her way. If she wants to let her clothes linger in the dryer, then everyone should just accept that her clothes shall linger.
She is probably shocked that someone would dare throw her majestic laundry onto the floor. This is probably one of the worst insults she has ever suffered.
I mean, shouldn't she find it strange that a random stranger is offering to fold her laundry? I guess when you live in "Attractive Woman Land" you expect people to do these kinds of things for you.
And when you're done folding, carry them to my apartment!
What a f***ing princess. Rating - 2 TVs - What is Speed Stick trying to tell us here? That we should just bow to the wishes of attractive women? I don't think so, Speed Stick.
The Super Bowl has come, and the Super Bowl has gone. Now there's nothing left to do but debate whether or not that should have been a holding call.
Or we could talk about the commercials. That's always fun too.
I thought that this year's game featured a particularly weak crop of commercials. You might think that would make my job easier. You might think that bad ads are more easily mockable, and so that would give me much more material to write about.
But my goal is not to mock. My goal is to analyze and review. Sure, I'll mock the mockable, but that really isn't what I set out to do. At least not usually.
Despite the disappointing fare, I'm still going to power through and deliver some reviews. The first ad I'll look at comes from Cars.com:
Let me get this straight: The car dealership has a wolf on-site so that they can provide their customers with drama?
How could anyone have thought this was a good idea? Didn't they watch The Grey?
Admittedly, I didn't watch it either. But I know the basic storyline: Liam Neeson fights wolves, because wolves are horrible, predatory creatures who would like nothing better than to tear into the flesh of a human being.
Even if you didn't see The Grey, surely you remember children's fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Little Pigs. The basic moral was the same: Wolves are evil, and must be destroyed at all costs.
It seems like the dealership is going to cost themselves a sale. First of all, I don't think I'd want to buy a car from a dealership that has a live wolf roaming the grounds. Even if I did still want to buy the car, I probably wouldn't be able to, because I would likely be attacked and killed by the wolf.
Shouldn't the dealer be more concerned? He's the one who's been keeping the wolf cub captive. Isn't he the first person that the wolf would attack?
It's actually kind of amazing that the couple even made it this far into the process considering that there is A WOLF ROAMING FREE THROUGH THE OFFICE! The chances of the wolf not attacking any of the customers is insanely small, especially since the wolf has already been provoked by the abduction of its young.
I hope whoever came up with this idea was fired. Or better yet, they should feed the person to the wolf so that it doesn't maim or kill any of the customers.
I can't emphasize enough how bad of an idea this was
Rating - 1 TV - This is really not a good advertisement for Cars.com. Sure the app might help people find a car they want and negotiate the price. But it is clear that the app doesn't provide customers with the most important information that they would need: THE DEALERSHIP THREATENS CUSTOMERS WITH A LIVE WOLF! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!
Before the big game, I wanted to give you one last retro Super Bowl ad. This one is from 2002 and features Jason Alexander.
Alexander stops by a Super Bowl party, and comments on how lackluster it is.
Well isn't he just Johnny Party Snob? You'd think that a famous actor would have something better to do than show up at random Super Bowl parties and make fun of them.
Then again, he does have a point. That party doesn't look especially exciting.
Alexander implies that the reason the party is subpar is because of the food they're eating. I'd say the reason that the party sucks is because it's just four dudes sitting on the couch.
Now, I understand that watching football is a guy thing. We don't necessarily want the women around to get in the way and ask stupid questions like, "You mean the coaches are brothers? Oh that's so cute!"
(By the way, you KNOW there are going to be people who say something like that on Sunday. When they do, try to limit the eye rolling.)
But come on, this is the Super Bowl! We have seventeen weeks of the regular season to be into the games. Unless you really care about one of the teams, the Super Bowl should be about socializing, food, and commercials.
And for a group of guys who wanted to watch the game together, they don't seem to be too into it. Maybe it's a lousy game, but these guys aren't talking to each other, and they barely even seem to be paying attention.
I suspect that these guys aren't actually friends. I'm guessing that their wives or kids are friends, and so their wives forced them all to get together to watch the game, even though they'd probably be somehwere - anywhere - else.
The mood changes in a hurry thanks to the arrival of former NFL stars Jim McMahon and William "The Refrigerator" Perry. The two former Philadelphia Eagles are ready to party, and they brought along some KFC Honey BBQ Wings!
KFC wants us to believe that the wings are the reason for the party's turnaround. But I'm willing to bet that just about any party would be improved by having two NFL players randomly show up.
It wouldn't really matter what kind of food they brought. They could bring nothing but a platter of corn and Doritos, and I'd still think it was pretty awesome.
If KFC really wanted to show how good their product was, they wouldn't have had two former NFL stars bring the wings. They would have had the KFC wings delivered by two people who most guys wouldn't want to watch the game with.
For instance, why not have the wings delivered by Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher? If the party still became good, then I'd believe that the wings can truly make a party awesome.
Who's ready for some football?
Rating - 2 TVs - Sure, the party definitely improved. But did KFC have anything to do with it? Doubtful.
Sometimes when looking back at these ads from the past, I find it difficult to interpret them correctly. While some of them might seem quite dated now, I'm sure they felt modern at the time.
So when reviewing this IBM ad from 1986, I tried to put myself in the mindset of a person living in 1986.
Obviously, 1986 was quite a few years ago, and I was relatively young at the time. So my memories of the time might be a little fuzzy.
If I recall, here was the basic setup: Ronald Reagan was fighting the Communists, Bill Cosby was entertaining the nation every Thursday night, and Falco was educating the world about Mozart.
OK, I think I'm ready to look at this commercial from the 1986 Super Bowl.
We see a few instances where people have misspelled words. Obviously this is quite embarrassing for them. Although in a couple of those cases, I think that a simple proofreading would have saved them from a lot of the embarrassment.
For those of us who can't spell well and can't take the time to review our work, IBM has a solution. They have created a typewriter that will analyze typing and beep if it detects a misspelled word.
What?
How is this possible? A typewriter is just a machine. How could it possibly know what we were typing? Unless...
Oh no. Oh no! Have the machines have gained intelligence? Holy crap! Was The Terminator (which was of course released two years ago) correct? Are the machines self-aware now? Are they preparing to rise up and enslave mankind?
IBM has doomed us all!
We're screwed now
Rating - 1 TV - If you're reading this, that means that I've managed to survive the robot apocalypse. I am assuredly searching for other survivors so that I can form some sort of human resistance movement.
Please wish me luck, and may God have mercy on us all.
Cutter's Note: Since her first ad review was so good, I decided to have Mini-Blonde (Now knowns as Mandy the Mini-Blonde) come back and join in the amazing fun that is Super Bowl Retro Week!
Today, I will be looking at a commercial that first
aired during the 2000 Super Bowl:
As an owner of two kittens and someone who does business
with the federal government, I can relate to both the literal and figurative
messages of this commercial.
My Pretty Kitties
Lint rollers! Yarn! Kitty scratches! Sneezes! Trouble
wrangling things together! I understand all of those things. But what I don’t
understand is what EDS actually does.
Nowadays, I can use my Droid to look up the
company without leaving the couch. In 2000, I would have had to walk over to my
desktop, wait for dial up, and then hope I remembered the company name or the
AOL keyword because I’m sure EDS wouldn’t come up in the Yahoo search results
for “cat herders.” Then again, maybe it did.
Maybe that’s why we Google things now?
I have a problem with a business-to-business company
advertising on the Super Bowl. The competition for attention during the Super
Bowl is so fierce that it’s unlikely that you’ll really resonate with your target
audience.
What if the few people who figuratively needed their
e-business cats herded were distracted by their kids playing Pokemon? Or rejoicing
over AOL’s acquisition of Time Warner by popping opening a can of Surge? Or
trying to figure out how to respond to their friend’s poorly delivered “I see
dead people” joke?
Then all you’re left with is a bunch of
football lovers and their friends who remember that "cute cat commercial," but
not your company.
Surge: Gone but not forgotten
I work for a professional services firm, so I understand how
hard it is to explain in layman’s terms what your company does. So bravo to EDS
for a valiant (and really cute) try.
However, the explanation of EDS in this
commercial is so vague, I could use the same commercial for my firm, and I’m
not sure if they even provide the same services as my firm (I looked it up. They do not).
Despite their flagrant misuse of ad dollars, EDS actually
survived the dot-com bubble burst and went on to be acquired by
Hewlett-Packard. I’m sure many people were laid off, and the person who decided to
buy space for this commercial during the Super Bowl was probably among them.
But this commercial is really, really cute. If cat
herder was a real job, I would be the first in line when an opening became
available.
I wonder where they are herding the cats to? My guesses:
To serve as the front lines to successfully thwart the Great Dog Invasion of 2000.
To a magical place called Cat Mountain where cats always stay kitten-sized and they love to cuddle.
It was most likely none of those things because the last two
don’t exist and the first would be really unsanitary. But maybe, just maybe,
with EDS’s ability to bring together information, ideas, and technology, we
could make Cat Mountain happen.
This Sunday is the Super Bowl. You know what that means? That's right, it's Super Bowl Retro Week here at The Ad Pundit!
For the third year in a row, we're going to take a look at some Super Bowl ads from years past. Why? Because there's nothing quite as awesome as nostalgia.
The first retro ad aired during the 2007 Super Bowl, and I will admit that it was a personal favorite of mine:
We start off normally enough with a couple of lions talking about the campers and their Taco Bell steak grilled tacquitos.
Wait, did I say we started off normally enough? I must have somehow overlooked the fact that HOLY CRAP, THERE ARE TALKING LIONS!
Okay, maybe I should calm down a bit. Maybe this is just a case where the lions are actually speaking some sort of lion language, (Do lions have their own language?) and it's being translated for our benefit.
I kind of understand why they would do that. In all honesty, a commercial featuring a couple of lions growling at each other probably wouldn't be too interesting, and it probably wouldn't do much to push Taco Bell's product.
But if that's the case, why does the lion mention Ricardo Montalban? How would the lions even know who Ricardo Montalban is?
Even if the lions had somehow been able to watch television, there is no way they should have known who Ricardo Montalban is...unless the lions can understand English.
Which brings me back to...HOLY CRAP THERE ARE TALKING LIONS!
Rating - 3.5 TVs - I like this commercial. But I'll be honest with you: I'd really like to know more about how the lions are able to speak and understand English.
I decided to add an extra star to the rating for the excellent voice over work done by the esteemed Mr. Montalban. That man was a class act all the way.
And it’s kind of annoying that Google would make the assumption that based on the new year, I’m trying to get in shape. But they’re right! I totally am! Looks like Google is getting laid.
But what about the fatsos who don’t care about working out? Well, they’re in luck! One of the reason Google commercials are so fun is because they're like 20 mini-commercials in one 60-second spot.
Actually, let’s count how many products are advertised in this cute little spot:
Google search
Google play
Google recommendations
Rancid’s Let’s Go album
Rocky soundtrack
Kesha’s Warrior album
Google +
Google Play web player (I had no idea this existed. So good job, advertisement. Way to do your job)
Olivia Newton John’s Physical
Salt n’ Pepa’s Push It (Side note - I am awesome at this song in Karaoke!)
Chariots of Fire
Run Fatboy Run (Ironically, this is at the top of my Netflix queue this moment)
Food, Inc
Burn After Reading
Workout Trainer app
Diet & Food Tracker app
Runtastic Pro app
Calorie Counter app
Eating Well Diet by Jean Harvey-Bering
Everyday Food: Light by Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart’s Cookies by Martha Stewart
Big, Soft Chewy Cookies by Jill Van Clever
Cookie Bake app
Simply Sensational Cookies by Nancy Baggett
Milk & Cookies by Jill Van Cleave
Cookie Dozer app
Taste of Home Cookies
The Cookie Party Cookbook by Robin Olson
Eat Cookies app
Sesame Street
Laptop
Tablet
Smartphone
Of course you can’t really call it an ad since most of the names were either cut off or on the screen for less than a second. And the last three aren’t even specific products, although you can still make them out well enough to download them.
In fact, I downloaded Cookie Dozer because it had a really good star rating and it was free. It’s not
that great though, so don’t download it unless you like boring games.
Meh
From the list of products above, you’ve probably already guessed who the mystery Googler is. My first hint should have been when he typed, “new me start today.”
I was thinking,“Well that’s weird,” but then I quickly thought about what most people post as their statuses on social networks. "New me start today," is more comprehensible than like 80% of social network posts.
My second hint should have been the book selection, but I just thought that it was just another
poor, awkward-writing, fat man that really liked cookies.
My last hint should have been the fact that it’s not the actual Rocky theme that plays but rather a cover of the theme by Sesame Street. (Or maybe it’s just Cookie Monster singing along to the real theme)
But no, I had to wait for Google to tell me it was the Cookie Monster, which was the surprise cherry on top of my Google sundae. So cute!
Surprise?
This probably makes me a bad person, but I also liked how the Cookie Monster slipped in his resolution. (Monsters - They’re just like us!)
Aside from the obvious argument that he wouldn’t be the Cookie Monster without cookies, everyone secretly likes coaxing people out of their half-hearted attempts to change themselves at the turn of the year.
And secretly, most people like having excuses to give up their resolutions. After all, I did skip the gym so I could write this.
Today I'll be looking at a commercial for the 2013 Buick Enclave.
We see that the Enclave can be controlled remotely via smart phone. This allows the car to be nice and warm by the time the family enters. We're supposed to think that the Enclave is a technological marvel that makes life more convenient for its owners.
The only message that I'm getting is that the Enclave is a car for rich a-holes.
My resentment of the family begins when I realize that the entire family is flying first class. That's right, even the kids.
"You expect my children to sit in coach with the rest of the commoners? I think not! It will be first class for all of us!"
Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe the family saved up for years for this trip, and they all wanted to fly first class because it was such a special occasion. (Although if they can afford an Enclave, they probably haven't tightened the belts too much.) Or maybe the father just wanted to give his children a special treat.
Full disclosure: For my 21st birthday, my parents flew the family out to Las Vegas, and I got to sit in first class.
I was about to cut the father some slack when I noticed something: He starts controlling the Enclave while the plane is in the process of landing.
You know how they tell you to turn off your electronic devices while the plane is landing? Apparently, Johnny First Class either didn't hear that announcement or willfully ignored it.
"What? Wait until the plane lands? But if I do that, then my car will have less time to get warm. And then my family might be slightly cold once they get into the car. We certainly can't have that!
"Besides, I'm a first class passenger! Surely those 'rules' they talked about don't apply to me. They only apply to the unwashed masses in the back of the plane."
It's not like he's doing anything that might interfere with the plane's systems. He's only remotely controlling another vehicle! I don't see how that could possibly cause any problems.
"But at least my family stayed warm."
Rating - 1.5 TVs - I'm sure that it is rather convenient to able to remotely start the car. But I think it is wrong of Buick to glorify rich, inconsiderate @$$holes who value the comfort of their family over public safety and etiquette. I think the FAA might need to have a long talk with Buick.
Rating - 2 TVs - Jewelry commercials are inherently evil, but this one manages to be both evil and stupid. I just hope the bathroom loving was worth it to the guy.
