Coca-Cola: Shake Up Christmas

Christmas may be over, but that doesn't mean that we can't look at another Christmas-themed ad.

Today's selection is Shake Up Christmas by Coca-Cola:

We start off with a pleasant little scene.  People are enjoying a nice dinner while listening to piano music played by a guy who kind of looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell.  I'm kind of disappointed that they didn't get Dustin Diamond to actually play the part.  I'm sure he could have used the work.

We then cut to an office building where a man is obviously working late based on his forlorn look as he checks the time.  Finally, we see a man hanging decorations on the side of a building. 

All of this seems normal enough.  But then, the various characters hear an odd soda fizz sound and look to the sky.  The camera pans out and we learn the truth: The entire city and its populace are trapped inside one of Santa's snow globes.

Santa apparently has several collections of snow globes, and I can only assume that each one contains a similar community of miniature people.

Just what is going on here?  Did Santa somehow create these mini-people with his magical powers?  Are these normal people that he shrank down and imprisoned?  Is the snow globe some sort of portal into another dimension?

Whatever the explanation, one thing is clear: These people and their city are now subject to the whims of their lord and master Santa Claus!

On this particular night, Santa decides to have some fun with his minions.  He tilts the globe, and chaos ensues. 

Due to the tilting, the people begin to slide all over the place.  I'm impressed by the sturdy construction of Snow Globe City.  You'd think that the buildings' structural integrity would be tested by all the shifting, but everything seems to be holding up just fine.

Strangely enough, the people of the city don't seem to be especially disturbed by any of this.  I'm guessing this isn't the first time that Santa has decided to shake up their world, so maybe they have adopted a "it's going to happen, so let's just go with it" attitude.

Apparently, this is Santa's attempt at making his minions happy.  But did he consider the consequences of these people skipping out on their jobs?

The patrons of the restaurant are no longer going to have mood music while they dine.  That building isn't going to be decorated for the holiday.  Whatever it was that the office guy was working on, well that surely isn't going to get finished.

The office worker eventually slides into what looks to be a school concert.  When the boy on stage - most likely his son - spots him, the man has the nerve to give his son a wink and a "Of course I'm here!" look.

Who are you kidding, pal?  If not for the Santa intervention, there's no way you would have been there.  And look at the expression on the kid's face.  He may be happy, but he's not fooled.  If anything, I'd say he's surprised that his deadbeat father actually managed to show up to something.

Meanwhile, the building decorator has swung over to a neighboring building where a comely lass was conveniently standing on her balcony.  She doesn't seem frightened or bothered by this in the least.  Instead, she shares her Coke with him, and from the looks of things, they'll probably be doing it later on.

Finally, the pianist slides into a house where he is greeted warmly.  He soon leaves his piano behind and joins the family for dinner. 

It isn't clear if this is actually his family, or some random family whose house he just happened to crash into.  It's probably a fairly common occurrence in Snow Globe City for strangers to randomly slide into your house, so maybe they've just gotten in the habit of welcoming all visitors.

At the end, Santa looks pretty darn pleased with himself.  He brought happiness into the lives of three of his miniature subjects, despite what kind of damage might have been done to the rest of the people and the city itself.

Perhaps this is the reason those women in the Best Buy ads were so mad at Santa.  Perhaps they knew the truth about him.  Behind his jolly, gift-giving exterior, there is a cruel tyrant who has thousands of helpless, miniature prisoners at his mercy.

Parents teach their children to behave so that Santa will put them on the "nice" list and bring them gifts.  But maybe they should just warn them that if they're naughty, they'll end up imprisoned in Santa's snow globe.
Rating: 2 TVs - I guess as far as nights in Snow Globe City go, this was a good one.  But I'd be worried to see what happens when Santa is in a bad mood.

Best Buy - Game On, Santa

Since today is Christmas Eve, it is only fitting that I take a look at some ads featuring Santa Claus. 

I used to think that Santa Claus was a revered figure.  I thought he was beloved by everybody.  But Best Buy's Game On, Santa ads have made me reconsider.

A woman goes to Best Buy and finds that they have a lot of good items on sale for under $100.

I wish I knew which Best Buy store she was at.  Any time I go to Best Buy in December, the place is mobbed.  It is nearly impossible to find a sales person, and even if you can, they certainly don't have time to make small talk.

Regardless, the message being sent is clear: Holiday shopping can be expensive, so Best Buy has affordable gifts that make shopping cheap and easy.  I'm well on board with that idea.

But then, the commercial takes a dark turn when the saleswoman jokingly tells the woman that "Santa better watch out." 

She doesn't know the half of it.

Apparently, this woman wasn't excited because she was going to be getting good gifts at a good price.  She was excited because she would get to stick it to Santa.

When Santa comes by her house to fill the stockings, he is disappointed to discover that they have already been filled.  Santa has no place to put his gifts!

But it isn't enough for this woman to just beat Santa at his own game.  He needs to know that he's been beaten!  She makes a point to stay up late just so she can see the crestfallen look on his face.

And then she tops it off with a final insult by telling him to give the gifts to the dog.

Seriously, lady?

Of all the people in the world, why would you want to mess with Santa Claus?

I thought that maybe this was an isolated incident of Santa hatred.  But apparently, there are other Santa-haters out there:

What the hell?

This woman not only bought her family numerous gifts in order to spite Santa, but she also went to the trouble of waiting up on the roof just to antagonize him.

Yes, this woman hates Santa so much that she waited up on her roof all night on Christmas Eve just to antagonize him. 

Santa, the jolly soul that he is, tries to laugh the whole incident off.  'Tis the season for forgiveness, after all.

But this woman is having none of it.  She doesn't want his forgiveness, she wants his very soul!  She gives Santa another giant "f*** you" when she kicks his statue off the roof.

What did Santa do to these women to inspire such hatred?

Are they annoyed that Santa's gifts make them feel unappreciated?  Are they tired of hearing how great Santa is, while Mom's efforts are largely overlooked?

Or does the root of their hatred stretch back to their childhood?

Did they not get that dollhouse they wanted when they were younger?  Did they witness their mother kissing Santa Claus one year and they blame him for the ensuing breakup of their parents?  Are they Communists fearful that his gift giving ways will keep others from supporting their cause?

Whatever the reason, the Grinch and Scrooge had better watch out.  There are some new Christmas villains in town.
Rating: 1 TV - I am deeply disturbed by the amount of hatred these women have for Santa.  Christmas is supposed to be a time for sharing and loving, not a time for settling petty grievances.

But most of all, I would really love to know where that empty Best Buy is.

Lexus - December to Remember: Music Box

It's December, so that means we get the annual December to Remember commercials from Lexus.  You are probably familiar with these.  Someone receives a Lexus as a present, and we're supposed to be moved at what an incredibly touching moment it is.

In this particular entry, a man gives his wife a music box.  This seems like a nice enough present, but based on the anticipation on the children's faces, there's obviously more to this gift. 

She begins to play the music, and a look of recognition comes over her face.  Why that's the Lexus jingle!

Really?  She hears that song from a music box, and instantly recognizes it as the Lexus jingle?  It's not like the tune is especially memorable.  You could probably play it to me for 48 straight hours and I wouldn't be able to identify it.

Maybe she's got an amazing memory, or is some sort of commerical jingle enthusaist.  Whatever the case, she recognizes the jingle and surmises that her real gift is going to be waiting for her in the driveway.

Who are these people?  Just how rich do you have to be that upon hearing a car commercial jingle you automatically assume that you're getting a new car as a gift?  Maybe the husband just thought it was a nice sounding tune.  Wouldn't she be in for a shock when she raced outside to find an empty driveway?

As it turns out, Mrs. Moneybags was correct, and there is a new Lexus waiting for her in the driveway.  And because a new car wouldn't be the same without one, there's a giant bow on top. 

The giant bow is actually the most impressive part of the gift.  I tried to find one of those one year, and didn't have any luck.  Anyone making a decent living could head over to the Lexus dealership and get a car.  But to find a giant bow?  That takes real power and influence.

Here's a question: Why isn't there any snow on the car?  It's clearly snowing at a decent rate, and yet the car doesn't seem to have a flake on it.  Are we to believe that Lexuses come with some sort of snow repellant power?  If so, then they should have made that the focal point of the commercial.

I know I would pay a premium if my car could repel snow.  It would have saved me a couple hours of shovelling these past few winters.

Is it just me, or are the kids just a little too happy that Mom is getting a Lexus?  I mean, I guess it's nice that their mother is happy, but what are they getting out of it? 

Considering that this family is obviously loaded, the kids are probably happy that their mother upgraded from whatever vehicle she had been driving them around in.

"Mummy, can you drop me off at the corner?  I do not want to be seen riding in an Acura!  It's SO embrassing!"

What a bunch of spoiled brats.
Rating: 2 TVs - Between the woman recognizing the Lexus jingle and the snow-proof car, this commercial requires just a little too much suspension of disbelief for my tastes.  And those spoiled kids are a real turn-off.

Domino's Pizza - Decisions

Here's is the latest commercial from Domino's Pizza for their specialty pizza deal:

I get the point they're trying to make here.  Adults have different tastes than children, so the more exotic pizzas preferred by parents may not sit well with their children.  Parents are left with the choice of either only eating plain pizza, purchasing multiple pizzas, or listen to a lot of complaining. 

As someone who will generally only eat plain cheese pizza, I can appreciate this problem.  I'm sure my "I don't want stuff on my pizza" stance can be frustrating to others.

By the way, putting a topping on half of the pizza is not a good compromise in these situations.  If you put the topping on half of the pizza, then the entire pizza is going to taste like the topping.  That's the way it is, and if you try to say otherwise, then you're full of crap.

But for people who feel that they can't ever enjoy a specialty pizza again due to the pickiness of their children, this Domino's deal should be perfect, right?

That may be true, but this commercial is probably doomed for failure, and if Domino's had studied their commercial history, they would know why.

In May 1996, McDonalds released the Arch Deluxe sandwich.  This was a "mature" hamburger that would cater to the more sophisticated tastes of adults.  The ads for the product showed children being repulsed by the burgers, implying that children wouldn't appreciate its finer ingredients and more exotic taste.

Here's one of their commercials.  As an added bonus, it features children rapping!

The ad campaign was a huge failure. Apparently, it isn't a good idea to show people being repulsed by the product that you are attempting to sell.  It tends to turn people away.

That said, the Domino's commercial does have a few highlights:

- That play room looks awesome!  Is this at a day care somewhere?  If so, I think I need to enroll my daughter there.

- I like how the kid uses the bullhorn to say "No."  This kid is obviously not messing around.  He really doesn't want this pizza.  I do wonder why a day care would have a bullhorn lying around for the children to use.  That seems like a bad idea.

- And finally, at the end of the commercial, sitting on the "Oh Yes We Did" easel is a doll of the Noid!  For those of you who are too young to remember the Noid, here's some history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noid
Rating: 2 TVs - The bullhorn and Noid prevent this from being a complete failure, but it amazes me that people can repeat the same mistakes.

Just For Men - Milk

In this Just For Men commercial, a gray haired man is brushing his teeth when his comely neighbor comes by asking to borrow some milk.

He sees this as a golden opportunity.  He knows that if he lends her some milk, then she will be forever beholden to him, and he will be richly rewarded.

But there is a problem: He doesn't have any milk!

Was he really surprised that he didn't have any milk in the fridge?  From what we can tell, this guy doesn't exactly keep his fridge well stocked.  All he seems to have in there are some Chinese leftovers and a beer.  You'd think that with that little in the fridge, he'd have a good idea of whether or not he had any milk.

But that isn't going to deter him.  He is going to get his neighbor some milk no matter what it takes!

Considering that this commercial is supposed to be for Just For Men, it isn't made especially clear if he went to the store with the Just For Men in mind, or if it was an afterthought while he was already out getting milk.  If you think about it, this is really more of a commercial for milk.

I also have to wonder if the Just For Men is a wasted purchase.  I'm guessing that he's encountered his neighbor before, so she knows that he has gray hair.  Is his brown hair going to be that much of an attraction if she knows that it is dyed?

Regardless of his hair intentions, he knows that he's going to accomplish nothing without milk, so he quickly springs into action.  With a mighty leap off the balcony, he lands on a passing truck, and is on his way to the store. 

I wonder if he thought this all the way through.  How exactly does he plan to get to the store, complete his purchase, return home, and dye his hair in a reasonable amount of time?  While hitching a ride on the truck surely saved some time, I'd have to think the entire process would take at least ten minutes.  He must have faith that his neighbor REALLY wants milk to wait at the door for that long.

It works in his favor that this particular store has the world's largest Just For Men display.  You'd think a store like might carry a few boxes, but they seem to have an entire aisle dedicated to the product.

As it turns out, he was correct that time wasn't a huge concern.  Neighbor lady is either extremely patient, or else she is dead set on making pancakes, and for some reason, she has decided that this guy is her only hope.  The only sign she gives that this is taking longer than she expected is a little bit of anxious swaying and an attempt to look into the peephole.

Finally, he opens the door and presents her with the milk.  And she certainly likes what she sees.  She is so impressed by his newly dyed hair that she doesn't even ask him why it took over ten minutes to get some milk out of the fridge.  Instead, she offers him some pancakes.

Based on the look she gives him, I have to assume that "pancakes" is just a code word for "sex." 

My biggest question about the commercial: How the hell does he get back into his apartment? 

His apartment is clearly a few stories off the ground, and while gravity will assist him in getting down to the street, that isn't going to be much help in getting back inside.

It took me a little while, but I finally figured it out: This is actually Peter Parker! 

Look at the way he was able to jump onto the moving truck and then swing his way off via the lamp post.  Most normal humans would have some difficulty with those maneuvers, but it would be no problem for Spider-Man.

Once he returned home, he was able to simply climb the side of his building and sneak back into his apartment without her being any wiser.
Rating: 3 TVs - Until I realized that this commercial starred Spider-Man, I wasn't a huge fan.  But once I figured it out, I liked it a lot more, because Spider-Man is awesome.

Education Connect - School in Pajamas

Here we have the infamous EducationConnect.com commercial where the girl talks about going to class in her pajamas:

When they designed this commercial, they had to know that it looks like an ad for a phone sex line, right?

Were the Education Connect people sitting around at a meeting, wondering how to improve their business, when someone said: "You know, the Shake Weight has really kind of cornered the market on ads that guys use as spank bank material.  Couldn't we get ourselves into that mix too?"

One attractive girl in her pajamas later, and we have ourselves an iconic commercial.

Here's a fun game: Try watching the commercial with the sound off and see how long it takes you to figure out that it isn't actually a sex line ad.

Now put yourself in the mindset of a single man, home by himself watching TV one night.  He might be randomly flipping through channels or just watching a random show.  And then, this commercial comes on. 

Here's how he probably reacts:

0:01 - Allright!  Hot chick in bed!  Score!

0:06 - Sweet, she's got a computer.  Webcam!  I'm totally going to that website after this commercial is over.  EducationConnect.com?  That doesn't seem right, but whatever.

0:19 - Wait, why does it say "Earn $1,000,000 More?"  How much does this cost?  This chick is hot and all, but I'm not gonna pay too much to see her.

0:29 - "Free Service?"  That's more like it!  But there's got to be a catch, right?  Like you only get a free preview and have to pay for the "special" content.

0:46 - "Free Success Kit?"  What the hell are they talking about?

0:50 - "Online Schools Scholarhsips, Financial Aid?"  Holy crap, this isn't a sex line ad?  How is this not a sex line ad?

1:02 - Wow, I guess that wasn't a sex line ad.  I feel kinda dirty now. 

Immediately afterwards - Rewinds the commercial and watches it again.

Rating: 4 TVs - While it might not necessarily be doing a great job in educating people about the product, I have a feeling that this commercial does have a very high re-watchability rate.

DirecTV - Opulence

Many people are fans of the DirecTV ad with the rich Russian. (I assume he's Russian, but I suppose he might be from some other Eastern European nation)

Why do people love this commercial so much?  Is it because of the guy's accent?  Is it because of the attractive women?  Is it because they want to have a lifestyle similar to what this guy is enjoying?

While all of that might be nice, I'm fairly certain the reason people love this commercial so much is because of the miniature giraffe.

Why is that minature giraffe so cool?  It's hard to explain, but I have a suspicion that given the opportunity, just about every person in America would get one.  Someone even created a very authentic looking website where people could order their own mini-giraffe.  Quite a few people were upset that it wasn't real.

If you can see past the wonder that is the mini-giraffe, you'll find that there's a lot of other good stuff in this commercial.

At the beginning of the commercial, there are dogs playing poker.  Yes, much like the famous paitning, this guy has arranged for dogs to play poker, complete with the ace hidden between one of the dog's toes. 

I love that painting.  If I had unlimited money, I think I might get a bunch of dogs to play poker too.  And take a look at the way the dog pushes his chips in.  Based on that, I'd say the dogs actually have an idea of what they're doing.  I suppose that if you were going to go to the trouble of getting dogs to play poker, you might as well go all out and train them how to do it properly.

The commercial does lose me a little when the Russian talks about wanting to save money. 

This guy doesn't worry about how much stuff costs!  He had two gold busts made only to reject one of them.  You think this guy is concerned about the cost of his satellite service?

Really, they should have played up the angle that DirecTV is the service for people who appreciate the finer things in life as this guy definitely does. 

I mean, if ordering DirecTV can set me on a path where I too might one day have poker playing dogs and a mini-giraffe, then I might be very tempted to sign up.

Then again, its not like anyone watching this commercial is going to be too worried about what message they're trying to get across.  All people are going to care about is miniature giraffes and how awesome they are.

One final highlight: At the end where it says 'More on the Facing Book.'  Broken English is funny.

Since the first commercial was so popular, this year DirecTV brought us another edition of the opulent Russian.

You may be thinking: How could they possibly improve upon last year's commercial?  I mean, it had dogs playing poker and a miniature giraffe.

Well, they found a way: Having the miniature giraffe run on a miniature treadmill.  Incredible.  Simply incredible.

Rating: 4.5 - Broken English, dogs playing poker, and a miniature giraffe on a miniature treadmill.  These commercials have it all.  The only thing keeping it from a perfect five rating is that I have a suspicion that the writers are already plotting something that will top the miniature treadmill.  Will they succeed?  We can only hope.

McDonald's - Dollar Menu

Sorry for the long absence.  I'm back with a couple of offerings from McDonald's advertising their Dollar Menu.

In this first ad, a man is put to the test by his girlfriend:

This commercial makes me shudder.

It's a well known fact: Sundays ARE for sitting around and watching football.

Apparently, this woman and her sister don't agree with this.  That's because they are obviously man-hating bitches.

So now this guy is in a tough spot.  He obviously disagrees with the woman (presumably his girlfriend) but does not want to say so, for fear that she may break up with him if he does.

The point of this commercial is supposed to be that this guy orders from the Dollar Menu, so he's obvioulsy smart, and can figure out a way out of this mess.

So what's his big solution?  He lies to her.

Bravo, buddy. Bravo.  You've just doomed yourself to a lifetime of not watching football on Sundays, or as most American men would call it: The Tenth Circle of Hell.  Your Sundays will now be spent doing whatever it is that she wants to do.  So you can probably look forward to carrying her bags around the mall or something.

I don't understand why the guy was in such fear of getting dumped.  She's really going to end things because he disagrees with her and enjoys watching football on Sundays?  If that's the case, then he's probably better off without her.  It isn't a sign of a healthy relationship if he is not allowed to have his own opinions.

I did consider the possibility that this was a very early on in their relationship, and he's being especially cautious.  Well, if he was so concerned about offending her, maybe he should have opted to take her to a slightly classier restaurant.

I've been out of the dating game for some time, but I'm pretty sure that when you're looking to impress a girl, you don't bring her to McDonalds.  I'd also have to guess that she isn't impressed by his financial acumen when he orders off the Dollar Menu.  She probably just thinks that he's cheap.

So basically, the message this commercial is sending is that the Dollar Menu is for guys who are cheap and are scared to death of their girlfriends.

Here's another recent Dollar Menu ad in which McDonald's once again helpfully points out that women are evil. (Sorry, I could only find the truncated version):

The man says that he won't be able to paint the garage due to rain.  In the extended version of the commercial, the woman envisions the guy spending the day sleeping on the couch.  Since it would obviously be horrible if the guy was able to relax and enjoy his weekend, she vows to prevent that from happening.

I mean, the guy probably works hard during the week, and all he wants to do is unwind in his free time.  But she will have none of that!

So she "outsmarts" him by saying they can go look at window treatments, and tops it off with a look that basically says "F*** you!  Your will is mine!"  And based on the man's sad expression, it appears as if he's going to be looking at window treatments.

Here's how the guy should have responded:

"Window treatments?  I'm not looking at window treatments.  I don't give a rat's ass about window treatments.  So why the hell do you need me to go with you?  You're just going to go and pick out the ones you like, while I stand there and say 'Sure, that looks nice.'

"So I'm not going to be loooking at window treatments.  Instead, you will go look at your stupid window treatments while I stay here, lie on the couch, and fall asleep watching sports.  And when you get home, you're going to cook me a nice meal for once, instead of bringing home this garbage off of the Dollar Menu!"
Rating: 2 TVs - Yes, I think we all understand that women are evil and their goal is to ruin men's lives.  But could we ever see a commercial where a guy actually stands up for himself?

And no matter what these commercials say, ordering off of the Dollar Menu doesn't prove that a person is intelligent.  It just shows that they're too lazy to cook, and too cheap to afford something better.

Charmin Ultra - Bears

Now that we're past the Super Bowl, I'll take a request from a reader, and analyze Charmin Ultra's Bears commercial.

Right from the start, this commercial is a bit ridiculous.  The bear is trying to examine his butt to see if he has pieces of toilet paper stuck to himself.

I'm wondering exactly how the TP got on his butt in the first place.  If he can't reach back there to remove the leftover pieces, how was he able to wipe himself?

By the way, does anyone else find it strange that the TP roll is on a tree in a clearing?  I was always under the impression that bears did their business in the woods.

Anyway, the problem of having TP pieces left behind is apparently a recurring one in the bear family.  It's gotten to the point where the mother actually has to inspect her son's butt to make sure that it is clean.

If she knew that this was a problem, why did she wait until now to give him the Charmin Ultra?  She obviously had the package with her, so why did she hold off?  Was this his last chance to prove he could successfully use normal TP before she had to upgrade to the Ultra?

We briefly put those concerns aside as we cut to see the real world testing of the Charmin Ultra.  I do appreciate the fact that they put the testing statistics at the top of the screen.  I would be very concerned if I didn't know exactlty how much water was being used for this test.

Apparently, Charmin is very thorough in their testing process.  They've precisely measured out exactly how much time and water is necessary for a proper test.  Not only that, but we can clearly see that the test is performed using a three pound weight.  Did they think that by only using a one pound weight, they would leave most Americans unconvinced of the strength?

I've never really thought about how much pressure I use when wiping myself.  Has Charmin somehow determined that the average American uses three pounds of pressure when cleaning themselves?  How would they go about measuring this anyway?

We check back in with the bears, and find a much happier scene.  Both mother and son are thrilled to see that after using Charmin, not only are there no paper flakes on the son's butt, but his fur also somehow shines.  How exactly did this happen? 

Honestly, I'm not sure I want to use toilet paper that will leave my butt shiny afterwards.

Apparently, this is not a problem for the son.  He seems to really like the Charmin Ultra.  He likes it to the point that he rubs it against his face afterwards.

I can't say I've ever enjoyed a toilet paper to the point where I'd want to rub it against my face, no matter how soft it is.  Maybe it's just a bear thing.

That makes more sense the more I watch the commercial.  After further viewings, I have come to the conclusion that this product is actually being marketed for bears.

Is having bits of toilet paper left behind that much of a problem for most humans?  Maybe it is an issue for those people who have hairier posteriors, but to the point where special toilet paper is required?  I don't think so.  I think most of us would be just fine with the regular brand.

Bears, on the other hand, probably do get toilet paper stuck in their fur quite a bit.  So maybe this product would be very useful for them.

Rating: 2.5 TVs - While I appreciate the detailed information given about the trials, I think the commercial misses the mark a bit.  The target audience appears to be bears, but I'm not sure how many bears actually use toilet paper.

Super Bowl: Suzuki

This may be my last full Super Bowl ad review before I do a quick round up of some leftover ads tomorrow.

Here is the ad for the Suzuki Kizashi:

At the beginning of the commercial, we see a man driving his Suzuki down a snow covered road.  I'd like to give this guy credit for his driving skills.  Living in the DC area, most of my fellow motorists do not know how to handle driving in wintery conditions.  Faced with this scenario, most of them would just stomp heavily on the brake and skid out.

This guy clearly knows how to drive in the snow.  The key is to not overreact, and from the look of things, this guy isn't fazed by much.  He comes under seige by an army of demonic snowmen, and yet he doesn't panic. 

Let me repeat that: He comes under seige by an army of demonic snowmen and he doesn't panic.  And look at the way those snowmen were moving!  This was not some leisurely chase.  They were definitely coming for him.

Although if we take a closer look, he does seem to make a questionable decision in the face of the snowman attack.  He swerves to avoid the snowballs, but I have to wonder if that was really necessary.  Wouldn't it have been a better strategy to simply concentrate on staying on the road?

We've already seen the car get hit by a few of the snowballs early on and it doesn't seem to suffer any damage.  Yet, if he were to swerve off the road and crash, then he might be faced with some real danger.

Still, I guess I can forgive a little bit of nervousness in this situation.  I'm assuming he doesn't get attacked by living snowmen all that often.

Ultimately, he gets away, but I think that had more to do with the poor strategy emplyed by the snowmen rather than any special abilities of his car.  If you notice, the snowmen choose to surround him right as he comes to a side path, allowing him to get off the road.

Why didn't the snowmen in front of him wait further back?  He still might have turned off the main road, but they would have been able to continue their pursuit.  And as we saw, the snowmen can move faster than the car.

Come to think of it, is that such a good message for Suzuki to be sending?  "This car does not move as fast as demon snowmen."

Regardless, the guy might have escaped from this attack, but is he truly safe?  Are we to believe that this was just an isolated incident of snowmen rebelling against their human creators?  Isn't it more likely that these unholy creatures are a product of the apocalypse?

What happens when the car finally runs out of gas?  Hopefully he'll have made it to a warmer climate where he won't fear snowmen, but I'm sure there will be other demonic creatures lurking. 

There's a good chance that those creatures will attack him with something much more substantial than just snowballs.  Wouldn't he better suited with an SUV that might be able to store supplies and withstand some damage?

Come to think of it, if he had a Hummer or something like that, couldn't he have just run over the snowmen and been done with it?
Rating: 3.5 TVs - Demonic snowmen are kind of cool, and I like seeing someone actually be able to drive well in the snow.  But still, I am left with the impression that the Kizashi truly isn't the best car for this situation.

Super Bowl: Chrysler 200

A lot of people were talking about Chrysler's commercial featuring Eminem:

I guess we're supposed to be moved because Eminem is showing pride in his hometown.  And if Eminem can show pride in Detroit, we should all show pride in Detroit.  And nothing says "Detroit pride" like driving a Chrysler.

Basically, they're trying to tell us that if we don't buy the Chrysler 200, we're un-American. 
Is it just me, or would Eminem's message have more impact if we hadn't seen a cartoon version of him promoting Lipton iced tea earlier in the game?

Do you think he mentioned this fact to Chrysler?  "Hey guys, I know you're paying me a ton to be in your commercial, but just to let you know, I'll also be doing an ad for Lipton in which I kind of kill my credibility."

If not, I would have loved to see the look on their executives' faces as they anticipated seeing their ad, only to see them become crestfallen upon watching cartoon Eminem tell us how brisk Lipton iced tea is.

He should have just gone the full mile and worn the Alf shirt.

So now, the reaction that many of us had to the ad isn't "We should all buy a Chrysler!" but rather, "Wow, Eminem really sold out."

Assuming we hadn't just watch cartoon Eminem whore himself out earlier, the commercial might have worked really well.  It is clearly trying to be "epic," and for the most part it succeeds.  "Lose Yourself" works well in building the mood of the commercial, and the "Imported from Detroit" tagline brings the message home.
Rating: 3 TVs - A good commercial, ruined by circumstances.

Super Bowl: Bridgestone

All this week, I'll continue to look at some of the ads from last night's Super Bowl.

Bridgestone isn't necessarily known for their commercials, but I thought they did an admirable job this year.  This one really stood out for me:

For many of us, this is a common fear: Thinking you're sending a private email, but discovering that you actually hit 'Reply All.'

I'm sure that most of us have sent a message to a friend, and then panicked as we wondered: "Wait, did I reply just to him, or to everyone?"  The time it takes to check your sent mail folder for confirmation can be some of the most tense seconds you'll ever experience.

It seems odd to me that he didn't seem to have sent the email to anyone in his company.  He spends most of his time driving around to various places in order to destroy the computers of people who might have read the email.

Isn't it much more likely that he would have sent the email to co-workers, and he would have spent his time trying to destroy the company's server, or at least disable the computers of everyone in the office?

I suppose that wouldn't make for a very good tire commercial, but it would have been more true to the spirit of the ad.

He also seems to have sent the email to quite the diverse group of people.  One minute, he appears to be in a business meeting.  The next minute, he's attacking someone in the woods or at a coffee shop.  What kind of email distribution list is this guy on?

How bad was this email anyway?  I realize he might not want these people to read it, but is what he wrote going to make them any angrier than stealing or destroying their computers?  I might not appreciate an offensive email, but I really wouldn't appreciate someone destroying my laptop.  Those things aren't cheap!

I think the answer becomes clear after we take a closer look at the people to whom he sent the email.  It seems like there is a disproportionately high number of minorities in the group.  This leads me to believe that the email he sent out contained some racist content.

That makes sense, as he probably thinks it is better to be branded as "insane, computer destroying guy" rather than as a racist.  Eventually, people will look back at his madcap computer stealing spree and laugh about it.  If they think he's a racist, they'll never treat him the same way again.

In the end, I'm not sure what to think about this commercial.  Sure, the guy underwent quite a trauma, but ultimately, his reputation will be unharmed. (Excluding of course all the people who are probably really pissed at him for destroying their computers)

But is that a good thing?  Shouldn't we want him to be outed as a racist?  Is it really a happy ending if he and his Aryan buddy can keep making their hateful jokes, and they are never forced to face any consequences?
Rating: 2.5 TVs - I thought I was onboard with the commercial's message, but in 2011, there is no place for racism.

Super Bowl: Pepsi MAX

Pepsi MAX has had a few commercials in the Super Bowl, and they've all been fairly good.  In my opinion, this one was the best of the bunch:

I will give this ad a lot of points for realism.  This is probably the mindset of just about every person who has ever gone on a first date.
I would like to point out the first thing that the woman wondered: How much does he make?

Yes, this is the most pressing question in her mind.  Apparently, how much money a guy makes is more important to women than his relation with his mother and whether he wants kids.

I'm sure this does not come as a surprise to anyone.

By the way, what is with the goofy face that she makes after she wondered if he was the one?  Unless he can read her thoughts, then that look is really kind of bizarre.  If I was on a date with a woman, and she made that face, I'd be a little weirded out.

Of course, by the end of the commercial, it appears that maybe they can in fact read each other's thoughts.  If this is the case, you'd think that they would be doing a better job of hiding their thoughts.  If I was on a date with someone who could read my mind, I don't think I would keep thinking "I want to sleep with her." 

More likely, he'd be trying to cover his thoughts by thinking of stuff like baseball statistics.  Of course, this commercial would have made a lot less sense if the guy was just thinking about baseball stats the whole time.

When the woman gets her Pepsi MAX, the guy's one track mind goes from wanting to sleep with her to wanting her Pepsi MAX.

Why exactly is he so obsessed with getting her Pepsi MAX?  They're at a restaurant.  She must have just ordered a Pepsi MAX, so what's stopping him from ordering one too? 

And wasn't he listening when she ordered the Pepsi MAX in the first place?  If he wanted a Pepsi MAX so badly, why didn't he just order one when she did? 

It's not like he watched her drink it and saw her enjoy it, prompting his desire to have one as well.  No, it was just the arrival of the can that prompted his obsession.  Is the can that appealing that it could prompt this kind of desire?  The can certainly doesn't appear that spectacular at first glance.

I think it's a bit odd that the waiter just dropped off a can at the table.  Wouldn't most restaurants serve their sodas in glasses? 

Maybe, they were having some shortage of soda at the restaurant, and they only had a few canned sodas left lying around?  If so, I suppose it is possible that this was the last Pepsi Max left, and that would explain why the guy wanted it so badly.

If that is the case, then maybe they should have picked a better restaurant for their date.  You'd hate to have poor soda selection at a restaurant ruin a potential relationship.  At the very least, I hope they received some sort of discount.
Rating: 4 TVs: Aside from the potential mind reading, it's nice to see some realism in a commercial.  Men are obsessed with sex and women are gold diggers.  That sounds about right.

Super Bowl - Chevy Cruze

Another review of a first half ad.  This one wasn't quite as good as the Doritos ad:

The guy finishes with a date, gets in his car, and the first thing he wants to do is check Facebook. 

I can understand this.  In this age of smart phones, people can't seem to go more than a couple seconds without updating their statuses or checking in on Foursquare.  So I get that for some people, the ability to check Facebook via voice interface in their car could be appealing.

But are people really going to buy cars just because it can read Facebook updates to them?  I mean, while it might be an attractive option, I can't believe they're using this as the main selling point.

I am also a bit skeptical about how accurately the car is going to be able to read things from Facebook.  My mother-in-law has caller ID on her phone that reads off the names of the person who is calling.  But the names get so garbled to the point that they're almost unintelligible.

Yet, we're supposed to expect the car to read people's names correctly?  Not to mention some of the things that people post as their statuses. 

I might consider this feature just for the amusement factor of listening to my car try to read Facebook statuses, but that seems like an expensive way just to amuse myself.

As for the commercial itself, the premise is a bit ridiculous.  This was their first date, and they're already Facebook friends?  Did they add each other before they even went on their first date?  Wouldn't that be a bit awkward if it didn't work out? 

Or maybe the date was going so swimmingly that they felt that they had to add each other as Facebook friends while still on the date.

Is this what dating has come to in 2011?  You take time out from the date to get on your smart phones and add each other as friends?  Maybe it's just a sign of the times that even on "best first dates ever" people can't turn off their phones.

Anyway, Facebook reveals that the girl enjoyed the date as well.  I wonder if he doesn't feel a little bit of regret as he drives off.  If she enjoyed the date so much, maybe he could have gotten more than a quick kiss at the end.

You've got to think that on their next date, he's going to be more aggressive.
Rating: 2 TVs - I would have liked this commercial better if her status was something like "Worst date ever.  The guy is such a loser."  At least that would have been funny. 

Super Bowl - Doritos

While the Black Eyed Peas are performing, I decided to do a quick review of a commercial from the first half.

Overall, I'd say the commercials in the first half have been solid.  Much better than the fare from recent years.

I'd say the best ads have come from Doritos.  So, here's a review of one of their ads:

I'll move past the fact that I personally hate Doritos, and say that at first watch, I thought this guy was someone who I could relate to.  Much like him, I'm the type of person who insists on getting every last bit of food out of the bag. 

In my younger days, whenever people didn't finish their meals, I would be quick to eat whatever they left over.  Heck, sometimes I didn't even have to order my own food.  I'd just eat a little bit of everyone else's scraps.

Would I have ever gone to the point of licking someone else's fingers?  No, that is clearly over the line, and the finger licker is obviously a bit crazy.

Really, if there's anyone I relate to, it is the guy with the bag.  This guy knows what he's doing.  He finished off the chips and now he's dumping the crumbs into his mouth.  I'd say there's a good chance that his next move is to lick his own fingers.  Because that's what I would do.

That's why the finger licker's actions are so egregious.  He didn't even give the guy a chance to lick his own fingers.

This appears to be taking place in an office somewhere, and I have to wonder, in this era of political correctness, is there any way that this guy would remain employed at this company?

This guy is clearly obsessed with Doritos, so I would be surprised if this was his first time doing something like this.  Wouldn't someone have complained about him by now?  Unless he works for Dunder Mifflin, I'd think something like this would be a fireable offense.

At the very least, wouldn't word have spread around the office not to eat Doritos because crazy finger licker guy might practically molest you to get the crumbs?  By this point, I'd think that people would know not to get Doritos from the vending machine.  So maybe the guy who got his fingers licked had it coming a little.

And the guy at the end of the commercial kind of deserved what he got too.  First, he wipes the crumbs on his pants.  The slob couldn't find a napkin anywhere? 

And the guy did wipe a lot of crumbs on his pants.  If he's going to waste that much food, then should he get upset when others want to have some?

Not to mention that he should probably invest in some higher quality pants.  It didn't look like the pants were pulled on that strongly, and yet they ripped quite easily.  Maybe this is what he deserves for wearing such cheap pants.

Rating: 3.5 TVs - It was a funny ad, but I couldn't rate it any higher, because I'm not sure if the message we're getting is clear.  Are they saying that Doritos are so good that it might lead to crazy, obsessive behavior?  Or are they saying the Doritos are the snack food of choice for the mentally unstable?

Budweiser - Frogs

Throughout the years, one of the more prominent Super Bowl advertisers has been Budweiser.  They can usually be counted on for at least one clever ad each year.

One of their most memorable ads came in 1995.  The commercial featured three frogs who said "Bud," "Weis," and "Er."

Naturally, the frogs became a big hit.  It was a simple but brilliant commercial.  It featured animals (which are always popular in commercials) and a catchphrase that everyone in America would be repeating for months.

The frogs went on to appear in more commercials over the next few years.  But Bud knew that as great as those frogs were, they wouldn't remain popular forever.  Even the cutest of animal mascots can grow tiresome (anyone seen Spuds McKenzie lately?) and people can only watch frogs say three syllables so many times before the appeal is lost.

So in 1998, they gave the frogs a nemesis: Louie the Lizard. 

Unlike the frogs, Louie - who hung around with his pragmatic friend Frank - had a lot to say.  Most of it was regarding his jealousy over the frogs being chosen for the original ad instead of him.

This was a definite game changer, as we're no longer supposed to think that we're watching a commercial.  Instead, we're supposed to be watching a behind the scenes look at the original series of frog commercials.  It's very meta.

As the commercials progressed, Louie's bitterness grew to the point where he sought to violently eliminate the frogs.  During the 1998 Super Bowl, he hired a ferret hitman to electrocute them.

Louie's plan seemed to fail as the frogs somehow survived the ordeal. 

But as it turned out, he was actually successful.  After the attempted hit, the "Weis" frog began to suffer post traumatic stress and couldn't fulfill his role in the commercial anymore.

Much to Louie's delight, he was chosen to be the replacement:

Like all good things, eventually these ads had to end.  In the commercial world, (remember that according to the logic of the commercial, these aren't actual commercials, but a behind the scenes look) Budweiser grew tired of the frogs - mostly due to Louie's unscripted improv attempts - and fired them.

The frogs were not happy.  Finally, after years of only saying one syllable, they revealed that they could indeed speak, and got some revenge on Louie. 

This probably prompted a bunch of kids to whip each other with towels and scream, "Squirt some tears, punk!"

If the frogs were truly actors, you've got to give them a lot of credit.  Even when they're about to be electrocuted, they don't deviate from the script.  No, they continue to say only "Bud," "Weis," and "Er" even though their lives are in danger.

I believe Louie and Frank might have continued to appear in some commercials after this one, but I'm pretty sure that the saga of the frogs was complete.

Rating - 4.5 TVs - These were some of the best ads that Bud has ever done.  They managed to turn a simple concept - Frogs reading the Budweiser sign - and turn it into a multi-year epic. 

In addition to successfully advertising their product, Bud got the added bonus of being able to merchandise the characters.  They sold hats, shirts, and posters featuring the frogs and Louie.  I believe there were also stuffed animals made of all the characters.

There is probably a whole generation of Americans who feel loyalty to Budweiser because they had a ferret doll.  Now that's marketing!

Netpliance - i-Opener

No look at retro Super Bowl ads would be complete without taking a look back at the dot com era of the late 90s/early 2000s.

From 1999 to 2001, the Super Bowl was loaded with commercials from start-up internet businesses.  One of the problems these companies had was that they spent a ton on advertising, instead of worrying about such things like a sustainable business model.

Here is one such example:

I'm not sure any of us remember the company Netpliance, but apparently they had an commercial during the 2000 Super Bowl:

Apparently, back in 2000, people who used the internet were perceived a little differently than they are today.  According to this commercial, back then the internet was still the domain of nerds and geeks (who are easily identifyable by their large rimmed, taped glasses.)

Maybe I'm misremembering things, but weren't most people in America using the internet by 2000?  I mean, "You've got mail" had become a common enough phrase that they used it as the title of a movie two years earlier.  It might have been a bad movie, but it starred Tom Hanks, so I'm sure that a decent amount of people saw it.

Yet this commercial seems to assume that up until this point, the only people using the internet were nerds.  Mostly because the internet required the use of a computer.  And only nerds used computers!

I guess Netpliance didn't realize that there was a booming personal computer market.  Or that the reason all these dot coms were starting up was because a lot of people were indeed using the internet.

But reacting to the perceived problem of non-nerds not being able to use the internet, Netpliance came up with a solution: The i-Opener!  It allows you to access the internet without the use of a computer.

Am I missing something, or doesn't the i-Opener look an awful lot like a computer?

I decided to do some research on the i-Opener, and found that the company sold it at a loss in order to sell online access subscriptions.  Back in the day, there was speculation that this would be a common business model.

The business plan failed because of the very people they were advertising against: Nerds. 

Technically saavy users discovered that the i-Opener could be configured into a fully operational PC.  So they bought the i-Opener, reconfigured it, cancelled their subscriptions, and essentially had purchased a really cheap computer.
Rating: 1 TV - This commercial wasn't especially funny, nor did it seem to have a grasp on the market it was trying to reach.  It's no wonder that the company failed.

Lays - Fence

For the second Super Bowl retro ad, I decided to look at an ad from the last time that the Eagles played in the Super Bowl.  Here is Lays' Fence from 2005:

The commercial starts out with a familiar concept of American youth: Kids are playing baseball, the ball goes into the neighbor's yard, and they can't get it back.  Apparently, Old Man Higgins is quite the grouch, and doesn't return things that go into his yard.

You'd think that the kids would have learned to hit the ball in a different direction.  If they had merely batted facing away from Higgins' yard, they could have avoided this entire mess.

Fortunately, the little girl has an idea: Give the neighbor some Lays chips and maybe he'll give the ball back.  This girl really seems to enjoy her Lays chips.  She has at least two bags of them with her, and she gets this weird look of delight on her face every time she eats one.

Considering how much she seems to love Lays, I'm surprised that she is so willing to give up the bag for the boys.  I mean, it doesn't appear as if she was actually a part of their game since she seems to be just standing to the side eating potato chips.  So either this is just a really nice gesture on her part, or maybe she thinks that if she helps get the ball back, the boys will finally let her play with them?

As it turns out, the girl's plan works.  I'd say it was a very lucky break since the plan had some major flaws: They were counting on Old Man Higgins being out in his yard when this all happened.  And isn't it more likely that Higgins would have just gotten annoyed by the kids throwing more stuff into his yard?

Anyway, as hoped, after receiving the gift of Lays, Higgins does return the ball, as well as some other things that he had been holding on to.

The commercial takes a bit of a dark turn when we realize that this old man has been holding the child's dog hostage for some time.  Did the kids realize that Higgins was a dognapper?  Based on their surprise on the dog's reappearance, I'm guessing that they didn't know Higgins had him.  Either way, I would have expected more of an emotional reaction at the dog's return.

At the very least, shouldn't they have been angry at Higgins for holding their dog hostage?  If it was my dog, I probably would have gone over there and yelled at the guy.

What happens next might explain why they didn't pursue this course of action.  Higgins had also been holding onto a car as well.  And apparently, he is strong enough to throw the car over the fence.

If my neighbor was a cranky old man with super strength, then maybe I wouldn't want to confront him either.  I might just say "I got the dog back.  Let's count that as a victory and be done with it."

Finally, MC Hammer is thrown over the fence.  The kids are surprised by his appearance, but I wonder if they would even know who MC Hammer is.  These kids look to be about 10 years old.  Since this commercial was made in 2005, that means that Hammer would have long since faded into obscurity by the time they were born.

Finally freed from his super strong captor, does Hammer look to run away to safety?  No, he begins to sing and dance for them.  This leads me to believe that Hammer had been a prisoner for years and undergone some sort of emotional torment.

Did Higgins keep Hammer on hand as his musical slave?  Was Hammer forced to perform for him at a moments notice? 

This would explain why Hammer simply starts to perform without prompting.  The years of torture had conditioned him that way. 

The kids are unsympahtetic to Hammer's plight, so they throw him back over the fence.  But look at how powerfully they throw him.  That certainly seems beyond the capabilities of mere children.

Perhaps it isn't just Higgins, but rather everyone in this commercial who has enhanced strength.  After all, looking back at the beginning of the commercial, the kid hits the ball a pretty good distance.  Is this commercial supposed to take place on Krypton or something?
  Rating: 2 TVs - If there is one thing that America loves, it is seeing washed up celebrities in embarassing situations.  This commercial certainly delivers in that department.  And I'm sure that this commercial made an impact with the super strong, kidnapping old man population of the country.  But for the rest of us...I don't know if I'd want any part of Lays chips after seeing this.

Super Bowl Retro Week: Nike - Hare Jordan (1992)

This week brings us the event that many consider to be the Super Bowl of advertising: The Super Bowl!

In preparation for the big game (and the commercials that will come with it), this week will be Super Bowl Retro Week at The Ad Pundit.  All week, I will take a look back at some classic Super Bowl commercials from years past.

The first Super Bowl retro ad is Nike's Hare Jordan commercial from 1992:

In 1992, Michael Jordan was the most popular athlete in America.  He was unquestionably the best basketball player in the world, his Chicago Bulls had just won their first title, and he was already well known thanks to previous commercials.

But Nike thought of a way to make him even more popular: Team him up with Bugs Bunny.  It made a lot of sense.  If Jordan teamed up with a beloved cartoon character, the kids would love him even more, and as a result, buy more of his sneakers.

Let's see how the commercial turned out.

When the commercial begins, we find that Bugs Bunny has chosen to shack up in a rabbit hole directly underneath a basketball court, and he is annoyed by the noise and vibrations from above.

I can sympathize with Bugs.  I have had several problems with upstairs neighbors stomping around when I am trying to sleep.  It is incredibly frustrating, and makes one want to inflict violence on the people above.

But why did Bugs choose to build his rabbit hole directly beneath a gymnasium?  Didn't he realize that people would be playing basketball directly above him?  I have to think there were better possible locations for him.

He goes up to investigate, and the guys playing basketball get pissed off.  I think they overreacted a bit.  It wasn't like Bugs provoked them.  All he did was ask "What's the racket?" and they physically abuse him.  I'd say there's a very good chance that these guys were on steroids.

So Bugs decides to play them in basketball.  I'm not sure if this is going to help him with his original problem of not being able to sleep, but it seems that Bugs has pushed those concerns aside in favor of getting some revenge. 

At first, we might wonder how Bugs will stand a chance against these four roided up meatheads, but then we see that he has a teammate: Michael Jordan. 

Honestly, Bugs probably could have taken them on by himself.  After all, he did once beat an entire baseball team by himself.  How much harder could this be?

I do wonder why Jordan decided to team up with Bugs.  Wouldn't it really have made more sense for him to have been on the team with the other humans?  Since Bugs did not premeditate this situation, I have to assume that Jordan was already at the gym in order to play basketball.  So why is he going to team up with someone who wanted to stop people from playing?

Maybe we can assume that Jordan and Bugs were friends, and when Jordan saw that Bugs was in trouble, he simply decided to help out his friend.  But there may be another explanation.

In his later years, it was revealed that Michael Jordan may be the most competitive person on the planet.  He was already dominating the NBA at the time, so maybe he felt that he needed a new challenge.  Maybe he thought that teaming up with a rabbit to go two-on-four was exactly the sort of thing to stoke his competitive fire.

As it turns out, even a two-on-four game isn't a challenge for the team of Jordan and Bugs.  Although it should be noted they do cheat considerably.  You'd think at some point those guys would have started to complain, or even fight back.  But it seems that they were so intimidated by Jordan's presence that they just passively took the abuse. 

The opponents also get distracted when Bugs dresses up like a woman.  In Bugs Bunny cartoons, I never understood why men got so worked up over Bugs in drag.  I mean, it's not like he's an especially attractive woman.  He just looks like a rabbit in a wig.

And yet, these guys rush over to stare, whistle, and drool at him.  Is this how they react when they see a woman?  I don't know many women who would be charmed by that behavior.  This definitely makes me think that they were taking some sort of performance enhancing drugs.

In the end, Jordan and Bugs win the game, and leave their opponents a dazed mess.

But did anything really get accomplished?  Sure, Bugs got revenge on the guys who abused him, but there's a good chance that the next day, someone is going to be back on the court playing basketball, and Bugs won't be able to sleep again.

And next time, will Bugs have Jordan around to bail him out?  I doubt that Michael Jordan has nothing better to do than hang around a local gym in case his rabbit friend needed assistance.

Anyway, they made a follow up commercial the next year in which Bugs and Jordan play basketball against Martians.  That commercial was so popular that they made an entire movie out of it: Space Jam.

Rating: 4 TVs - While Bugs' victory in the commercial may be shortlived, there's no denying that this was a victory for Nike.  Michael Jordan became even more popular, and I don't know if there was a child in America who didn't want a pair of Air Jordans after seeing it.

Miller Lite - Man Up

In this post, I'll examine a series of related commercials: Miller Lite's Man Up ads.

The basic premise of these spots is that real men care about their beer, so they'll pick a high quality beer like Miller Lite.  Those who don't care about their beer quality are obviously horrible people, and this is fully demonstrated in other ways.

In the first example, we see a guy who has applied bronzer to himself in an effort to look tan:

I think most of us can agree that using bronzer is indeed a douchey thing to do, and the people who do it deserve some ridicule.  I just don't think that the guy in the commercial is a good example of your typical bronzer user.

I'm thinking that the type of people who use bronzer would make sure that their entire body is covered.  There's no way that they would be left with faux tan lines like this guy.

Nothing else about this guy indicates that he is the type to wear bronzer.  A guy who wears bronzer probably wouldn't wear just a plain polo shirt.  Maybe he'd wear a Lacoste shirt, but he'd make special effort to make sure that the logo was visible.

Really, I picture the typical bronzer user wearing Ed Hardy or something along those lines.  At the very least, the guy would have popped the collar.

Not to mention the guy's hairstyle.  It looks like he has put no effort whatsoever into styling his hair.  Where's the pound of gel? 

So I guess this guy isn't really supposed to be a douchebag, but more like a clueless idiot.  And I suppose that the point still gets across: Only morons like this wouldn't care what kind of light beer they drink. 

In the next commercial, we see the type of douchey outfit that I would have expected from the guy in the first commercial:

This guy has gone the full mile with his outfit.  His jeans and shirt coordinate, and he even has a matching jacket.

OK, I truly believe that some people actually dress like this.  Where the commercial loses me is when the guy gets shaken up so easily.

Guys who dress like this wouldn't be offended when a bartender made fun of his outfit.  He would just assume that the bartender was "into him," and her comments were just a way of flirting.

I can't imagine that this is the first time he's gone out in public dressed like this.  He's probably heard the comments before.  So why does he seem so bothered to the point that he denies that being his jacket?  In real life, this guy wouldn't worry about what people were saying about him.  He'd just call them all haters.

And in real life, this guy would probably be surrounded by a pack of similarly dressed guys.  Remember, douchebags tend to travel in packs.

In the final commercial, I think Miller Lite unfortunately loses track of the message they're trying to get across.

In the other Man Up commercials, the guys they show may be exaggerations, but they are scenarios that could potentially happen in real life.  Guys do go out wearing bronzer.  Guys do go out wearing dragon clothing.  And in some of their other commercials, we see guys in skinny jeans and thong bathing suits.  Also situations which do (unfortunately) sometimes happen.

In this commercial, the guy is wearing a skirt.  It's not like he's wearing baggy pants that look like a skirt.  He isn't wearing a kilt or something that might be mistaken for a skirt.  No, he is just wearing a skirt.

Why would he be wearing a skirt to a bar?  And why doesn't he seem to think that there's anything wrong with it?

Is he a cross dresser?  If so, he has clearly half assed his effort.  Merely wearing a skirt doesn't make someone a cross dresser.  It just makes them kind of weird.

Maybe he's just wearing the skirt to gain attention.  There are lots of people who wear funky outfits just to get noticed.  But if that was his motivation, why does he look so offended when the bartender calls him out on it?  Shouldn't he be happy that she noticed?

Also, at the end of the commercial, doesn't it seem like his friends stare an awkwardly long time at his open fly?  Maybe they don't want to say anything to him about it because he's insane.  But wouldn't they be more likely to just avert their gaze instead of staring directly at his crotch?

I think this guy has some serious issues, and they go way beyond not caring how his light beer tastes.


After watching all of the commercials, I am left with a few questions:

1. Isn't Miller Lite in danger of alienating the douchebag population, and won't that severely cut into their business? 

Have you been to a bar lately?  There are douchebags everywhere!  And now that we've got a generation of young men who think that the guys on Jersey Shore are good role models, the problem is only going to get worse.

If these guys become offended by these ads and won't buy Miller Lite out of protest, I think the company could be in serious trouble.

2. Where exactly does Miller Lite find these bars that have hot, friendly women bartenders? 

You might say: These girls aren't that friendly.  They make fun of their customers.  But they only do that after the guys have clearly shown that they don't have taste and are worthy of scorn.

First off, you rarely see hot women working the bar during a daytime shift, and if you do, they're probably in a pissy mood. 

In real life, most hot female bartenders usually won't even look you in the eye unless you're dropping some serious money.  They almost definitely won't give you the time of day if you're only ordering one light beer.  And they certainly won't spend the time to ask if you care about how the beer tastes.

3. Is the bar's poor beer selection the real problem?

They seem to only carry two types of beer: Miller Lite and the generic "Light Beer."  Maybe the reason these guys don't care about how their beer tastes is because they only have two choices, and they're both kind of lousy.

I mean, Miller Lite is OK, but is it so much better than any other light beer that I would care enough to specifically order it?

Upon further review, the guys don't specifically ask for the generic beer.  They just say that it doesn't matter.  Maybe they're trying to make the bartenders' job easier?  Or maybe they figure it will lead to further conversation.

But that doesn't happen.  Apparently, unless you specifically say that you care how the beer tastes or ask for a Miller Lite, these girls are going to give you the generic choice and then mock you.

So I take back what I said earlier.  These girls are bitches.
Rating: 2.5 TVs - While douchebags do deserve to be mocked, I don't know if they should glorify bitchy women like this.